30 comments


  • Alice

    Lucy,
    That´s an EXCELLENT post, and exactly what I needed today. Thank you:-)

    June 24, 2015
    • Lucy Rising

      So glad to hear it, and thank you for sharing that! :-)

      June 24, 2015
  • "Jennie"

    I’m in the middle of a nasty divorce, which is tearing our children apart. He’s hell-bent on proving me an “unfit” mother, even though I was nearly entirely their “primary caretaker” from each of their births – 13+ years. I’ve been a homemaker for 2 months longer than my oldest son is old. And my narc was gone for at least 80% of it with military concerns. Now he (and his insane step-mother) wants to prove me an unfit mother. I’ve thought about how to go “No Contact” but it’s not gonna happen because of the children. Any advice on dealing with the times we trade off the kids?

    June 25, 2015
    • Lucy Rising

      The key is to be as calm and businesslike as possible, limiting communications to the essentials. He will probably try to get you to engage in fights, or he will dump criticism on you, or other provoking actions. All you can do is appear as stoic as you can and refuse to play the game. Also have boundaries, clear rules in place as much as possible–ask for some help with your lawyer on that. The whole point is to reduce as much as you how much your husband can manipulate you. Most narcs only want to put so much effort into things. Hopefully when he sees it doesn’t get him anywhere trying to provoke you, he will lose interest and move on to other “projects” like finding a new victim. It’s never easy when you share kids, that’s for sure. But they do grow up and then things change. Be a loving mom as you have been–the kids will know whom they can trust.

      June 25, 2015
  • Janet Morrell

    I have won!!! Whoop! Whoop! After all these years, I’m finally the winner & im so excited about finally moving on with my life after over 20 years, married to this Narscassist 16 years. I wish I would have known what the “no contact” affect had on them years ago!! It’s truly amazing how it takes their power. And now it’s time for me to live life for me. Thank you for this article.

    January 13, 2016
    • Lucy Rising

      I’m so excited for you, Janet! I completely understand what you’re feeling of course, and it is a glorious thing. You’ll have plenty of struggles making this life change, but it is all more than worth it, and now is your chance to really live.
      I wish you great success and a wonderful future!

      January 14, 2016
  • Maureen

    Finally! Thank you!

    This post was great and made so much sense. Just to add to it, rejoice! Be happy that you said no to all the unacceptable behavior. See with clarity that the black toxic cloud has lifted and you will see the sun again. More importantly, don’t be afraid of your future or to move on……by going no contact, you have made the decision and choice to know that your own sanity, happiness and emotional well being are far more important than some Narc.

    January 14, 2016
    • Lucy Rising

      Thank you, Maureen, and very well said! Going no contact is the first step towards clarity, which leads to so many good things.

      January 14, 2016
  • Anny

    Omg just knowing all the pain he cause me, just ignoring his emails and giving me a great satisfaction. I feel so happy and empower to continue with my life and that he doesn’t have any power over me anymore.

    He loved to tell me that he knew how to control me, that I was bound to him for the rest of my life… He worst that Satan.

    March 28, 2016
    • Lucy Rising

      Anny, that behavior is just like a narcissist. I’m so glad to hear you are breaking free!

      March 29, 2016
  • Anny

    Omg just knowing all the pain he cause me, just ignoring his emails it’s giving me a great satisfaction. I feel so happy and empower to continue with my life and that he does NOT have any power over me anymore.

    He loved to tell me that he knew how to control me, that I was bound to him for the rest of my life… He worst than Satan pure evil.

    March 28, 2016
  • Kid

    Lucy,

    First of all I thank you for this. I was friends with a compensatory narcissist for 12 years. I endured accusations, slander, put downs, ridicule about my personal and spiritual beliefs, disrespect, mocking, rage, insults toward my wife and family as much as myself manipulation of my marriage, breaking into my car…the list goes on. I went no contact four months ago, and this will be the first time in two years that I can actually enjoy my birthday without him deliberately picking an argument or fight and making me feel bad.

    It is rough, seeing how he erects a facade on social media, but for the first time in my life,

    I feel free.

    Thank you ☺😊💜

    May 28, 2016
    • Lucy Rising

      You are most welcome, Kid! I’m so glad you broke contact with this toxic person and have moved on with your life. It’s amazing how much we will tolerate from people before we finally see what they are doing to us. Enjoy your freedom, you deserve it!

      May 30, 2016
  • Kayla50

    This is an excellent article. I filed for divorce and totally went no contact with my ex husband when I caught him in a hot affair with a co worker. Crying and beggibg was feeding his ego. After a few months of that I finally came to my senses. I hired a good attorney and went through with an ugly divorce. After 20 years my ex demonized me, declared me crazy or mentally ill etc. to justify his evil actions. Now 3 years later my life is peaceful and happy and sane. No contact saved my life. Best advice I ever got. Not communicating with the devil, living well and not looking back is the best and ONLY revenge. I will never go back to the drama he created. Thank God for good divorce attorneys in this country. As for him, he can have all the minions he wants. Not my problem any longer. Stay strong in the no contact and victory will be yours.

    July 10, 2016
    • Lucy Rising

      Kayla, I too am thankful for your lawyer. And kudos to you for having the strength to go no contact and free yourself from that terrible relationship! Thank you for sharing your story about the power of no contact. Continued blessings for a happy and peaceful life!

      July 10, 2016
  • Louise

    Once I decided not to reply to his silly messages trying to hook me back in, of course he went crazy and evil. Then he went off into the sunset with whoever he had waiting in the background in case things did not go his way. That’s when I felt free to let him know (indirectly) that rather than he rehooking me, I played his game and rehooked him on the proviso that he signed house, boat, repay money owing etc.. which he was happy to do in order to look like he still had power over me. It was pretty easy really once I worked out how he ‘thinks’. The snake had broken so many promises behind my back, but when he admitted to my face he was going to break our financial agreement and take me for everything I had worked for my whole life, there was no way I was going to allow him to break THAT promise knowing he was doing it to destroy me and he didn’t care if he went broke in the process but I did. Once done, yes no contact and let the world know why I returned to him. $$$$$ not love for a sick pup like him. No contact AND humiliation. Not a good combination for a narc! I don’t wonder if ow is nice or not, I know she is a nice person who simply has no idea of the evil crazy fuck she’s ended up with. No jealousy, I just feel very sorry for her. But no longer my problem. I got what was mine, I was lucky and in my own way I got my revenge, I lost nothing but time and yes, he does try to make me look like the evil one, but all I hear from people now is “smart girl”!

    August 20, 2016
    • Lucy Rising

      Louise, so glad to hear you were able to deal with your situation so intelligently! Brava!

      August 21, 2016
  • Terri

    It is so agonizing to love a narcissist. It helps so much to have what I am feeling explained.

    He just emailed me and I swear to God, I will not call him back. Thank you!!!

    January 30, 2017
    • Lucy Rising

      I’m so sorry you have been involved with a narcissist, Terri–it’s agonizing all right. I’m glad the post helped you and good for you for standing strong! Keep it up!

      January 30, 2017
  • AB

    Love this post! I feel vindicated. After all the emotional destruction she caused me, I have now beaten her and I have won. Thank you for this beautifully written post! It is exactly what I needed to hear :)

    April 12, 2017
  • Karen Porter

    6years with Narc 8 days No Contact..feel like I’ve had my Soul ripped out of me ..but this has helped me .Thank You x

    April 28, 2017
    • Lucy Rising

      Karen, I know that feeling well as do the thousands of narc victims like yourself. It’s so hard at the beginning. I’m proud of you for these first eight days–keep it up, you can do this! I’m glad the post helped you and hope you have also been able to look around and read the website at http://www.lucyrising.com. Thanks for commenting and I wish you all the best in your recovery and your building a new and happier life!

      April 28, 2017
  • Silvia

    Well ya’ll, after 34 years, this farce of a marriage will soon be over…barring anymore delays, divorce hearing in 10 days. We’ve been separated now right at10 years and all this time I did NOT know what the hell I was dealing with!!! It was only last year that God allowed me to cross paths with a Life Coach and BAM!!! She told me in 2 minutes flat what I couldn’t figure out in 30-plus years!!!!! The stories I could tell would make the hairs on the back of your neck stand at attention!! We go through this crap because there’s a lesson in it for us…my lesson was/is: No other living, breathing, human being on this planet is worth my JOY, PEACE, FREEDOM, and WELL-BEING!!! Yes, I managed to live with this man for 24 years for the sake of our children (or so I thought at the time)…was it worth it? Hell to the NO! I suffered and so did they. It is a NEW DAY and I praise God Almighty for keeping my mind ’cause I was headed to a mental institution if I had not separated from him whe I did. GOD IS GOOD!

    One last note: in true narcissistic form, “Mister” is representing HIMSELF at the divorce hearing…this should be interesting!

    Thanks for listening!!!

    July 30, 2017
    • Lucy Rising

      Thank you so much for commenting, Silvia! I’m so glad you made your escape and your testimony that it’s never too late will certainly inspire others. Best of luck in the divorce hearing–I’m rooting for you!

      July 31, 2017
  • Silvia

    Thank you so much, Lucky Rising! Will update you once everything is over and done.

    July 31, 2017
  • Silvia

    It’s a wrap!! Praise GOD for giving me the grace and strength to get through my divorce hearing yesterday! The judge ruled in my favor granting spousal support each month for the next 5 years as well as one half of my ex’s retirement for the rest of his/my life!!! The icing on the cake was him having to pay one half of my attorney fees. To say he was livid would be an understatement! I didn’t even look at him before, during, or after the hearing-not even when he greeted me. I managed to muster up a “hello” but didn’t directly acknowledge his presense.

    I can now move on with my life and perhaps by the time our son gets married next year I can stand to be in the same room with him without cringing.

    Again, thank you for allowing me to share and I pray
    God”s best for all of you who are suffering or have suffered at the hands of a person with NPD.

    GOD BLESS!

    August 09, 2017
    • Lucy Rising

      Oh Silvia, that’s FANTASTIC! I’m so happy for you and God bless that judge for seeing the truth of the situation. You deserve this and more. What a happy resolution to inspire others to take the steps they need to in order to get free of their narcissistic abusers. It’s the first day of the rest of your life, my friend!

      August 09, 2017
  • Silvia

    *presence

    August 09, 2017
  • Mapiya

    Thanks Lucy. Thank you so much. I needed this so bad. Though I have accepted what he is and that I was emotionally abused it hurts and makes me angry. Specially the triangulations. Knowing he was grooming others while devaluing me…while I was trying to fix the relationship. Hurts so bad.

    59 days NO contact with the narc today. But unfortunately his wife is a friend (narc is my schoolmate) and am planning to sever that too. He sent msgs and song. I didn’t reply. Just doing my things. Gardening…working…living n loving. I do get sudden bouts of pain. Some days more some days less…but am hanging in there. Looking forward to a better me. And guess what he might be with his next victim/s but He will always be miserable. While we will come out stronger better and wiser. Much better than what we were. Bubbly empaths who love everything passionately.

    Though smear campaigns scare me…but who cares…my soul needs to heal and I love myself. One life baby! The narc can lie and spread rumours as much as he can. Even if people believe him…don’t be afraid…truth will prevail. He will fuck up.
    Am out…Wish he knew he cannot build himself by breaking others down…No one can. And if someone does that…leave them.

    To all those who are struggling with a Narc, Go No contact now…You have one life…live it on your terms. Don’t let anyone ruin you.

    Love n hugs
    You are not alone.

    December 03, 2017
    • Lucy Rising

      Mapiya, thank YOU! Your comment was so inspiring! At 59 days it’s normal to still be having these emotional struggles, but you have your head on straight and are overflowing with wisdom, courage and optimism. You are going to be great! Thank you for encouraging others to go No Contact and stay strong. By supporting each other we multiply our strength. Best wishes to you for your continued healing, and hugs!

      December 04, 2017

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