41 comments


  • Beckums

    I had two brothers that committed narcissist suicide. I have a narcissist stepmother, and an ex narcissistic husband. Not surprising I was drawn into a marriage to a narcissist. Thank you for helping me learn more. You are amazing, strong and really smart. But most of all you are a wonderful human being.

    July 17, 2015
    • Lucy Rising

      Wow, Beckums…that’s all so tragic and I’m SO sorry for what you and your family have been through. And so thankful you’re doing what needs to be done to have a much happier and better life. It’s totally my pleasure to help and I consider it a privilege to have the means to assist good people like you who have had these misfortunes.

      July 18, 2015
  • Empath

    Thank you so much for this article. I was with my narc/psycopath for six years. I believed at the time I had met my soul mate , my other half. I still struggle with the truth at times.. I progressively became a shadow of my forner self.. I couldn’t make my own decisions, I had become isolated from all my friends and I believed that my life was not worth living if he wasn’t a part of it.. He consumed my every thought. He monopolised every minute of my time. I was forced to go No contact , not because I was ever going to leave but by this stage I thought I could change him. He had to realise what he was losing. I believed he loved me..
    I struggled with the No contact period for a week.. He tried to call me, send messages and come and find me.. I shut him down…
    I was no longer available as his supply. I was the very best supply he ever had. Not one person had ever sacrificed their own lives for him like I had.. He realised that he had lost control.. He took his own life on the day I was moving my stuff out.
    I always believed he was too much into self preservation… I’m still not at the stage of acceptance. He found a way to hinder my ability to move on, by scarring me for life..
    Even though he never truly loved me, I adored him with every cell in my body…
    In his mind he won even at the very end…

    August 05, 2015
    • Lucy Rising

      Empath, what a terrible experience of abuse you just described! Thank you for sharing it. I can only imagine what this experience did to you. When my narc ex husband killed himself, which thankfully happened long after we split up, I couldn’t help but feel that it was his final act of cruelty and selfishness towards all who had had the misfortune to love him. Normally I have compassion for suicide victims, of course! But when a narcissist is involved, the normal rules of humanity do not apply. You are absolutely right that in this man’s mind the suicide was not an act of despair but an act of triumph, much like sociopaths who commit murder and then kill themselves. But he was wrong–in fact, YOU won. Because you lived on. You got a chance to actually wake up to your abuse, and you found the courage to break free. He punished you severely for that act of rebellion, but he’s gone now and you truly are free. You still have a life, and you are a wonderful person with a vast ability to love that you can now do for deserving people in the world. I’m so sorry this happened to you. If you ever need advice, help or support, do not hesitate to message me via the contact page at http://lucyrising.com/contact-me.

      August 06, 2015
    • Jen Lynn

      Your story sounds so much like my son except that he took his own life after a 3 yr relationship with a narc. During their relationship, my outgoing, optimistic and easygoing son went from being on cloud 9 having met his soul mate to virtually a shell of his former self. He saw her true colors eventually but by then she had the hooks in good because they had a child together and he had become like a father to her 3 young children. While my son lay dying in the hospital, she cried and moaned that it was all her fault because she had been “relentless” in her criticism of him. (It was still all about her). All of my son’s friends, many since high school and all of his new friends said they were shocked he would take his own life and so were his family. I feel so guilty because he talked to me about it several times on the phone a few weeks before and I knew he felt trapped and heartbroken but I tried to let him know we would be there for him. So sorry for rambling, I just am filled with so much pain and miss my son and hate that he is not able to be here for his kids. I started studying about narcs and wish I knew then what I know now. Run away and don’t look back if you can. I have to maintain a civil relationship with this woman so I can see my 4 yr old grandson but I am educated about narcs now and keep her at arms length. My son was almost 29 when he died and would be almost 32 today. Please continue to educate. If I understood that he was experiencing more than just a “bad break up” I maybe could have saved him.

      November 03, 2016
      • Lucy Rising

        I’m SO sorry for your loss, I can’t even imagine what pain you’ve been through. Please know that you did all you could do to save your son. Even if you had fully understood what was going on, the power of narcissists can be so strong. Just another awful tragedy like so many I have heard…how I wish there were a way to eradicate these people from the world, they cause so much misery. Please take care of yourself…you will need a lot of love and healing. My heart goes out to you.

        November 04, 2016
  • Alyssa

    Wow, thank you this is a great article and while my ex narc never did commit himself he would threaten too often enough that I should have seen through it. He owns guns and would say ‘bang’ when things weren’t going well, when I was home alone with my children and could do nothing to help him even if he was serious.
    Oh and the threats when I was telling him I was having a rough time at work, he would threaten to commit suicide. Yuk yuk yuk
    8 months out and I’m feeling more and more sure of myself like the fog is lifting. Thanks to the wonderful world of internet help and understanding.
    Thank you Lucy and Good Luck everyone :)

    November 10, 2015
    • Lucy Rising

      You’re very welcome, Alyssa, and I’m so glad that you are out of that situation. How awful! I hope you continue your recovery and that your future is full of all the love and joy you deserve!

      November 11, 2015
  • D

    I met my narcissistic ex and less than a year later we were married. Two years later we had a child. Two years after that I left him. I didnt know what NPD was until I looked back at how I didnt have any friends, I constantly changed jobs because my hours or pay were never good enough for him. I didnt play the social team sport anymore after I met him. I was walking on egg shells with domestic activities and conversations. Some days were great and other days were living nightmares and I finally realised after crying to a doctor that I dont get a medal at the end for putting up with it. So I finally left him and at first it felt amazing i felt brand new and had control of my life but then it was made even worse than living with him. He challenged me in family court battles and was always good at manipulating professionals into thinking I was just dramatic. He was a pathological liar and had no conscience lying to support agencies . He created false accusations and never had evidence to back it up but the inital damage was done. It wasnt until I met my new partner years later that supported me through the emotional and mental torture that I was finally able to see through his lies and deal with whatever came my way. He could see that I was stronger and had the support behind me to not let things get to me. I still suffer from panic attacks and anxiety and worry of making mistakes but over time it is getting better. The biggest change was that he did commit suicide. I was shocked and upset for him but at the same time it was like an apology because he would have never stopped trying to control how my life was lived.

    March 11, 2016
    • Lucy Rising

      D, your story is terrible and I was so relieved when I got to the end and found out how it was all resolved. It turns out (as you know if you’ve read the “Max’s Story” sections of Lucy Rising) that our histories are quite similar. It seems like some narcissists (my father is apparently in this category) hang on to dear life even when their lives have proven disastrous in every way. Others (like my ex, Max) end up reaping so many of the karmic results of their nastiness that the find themselves in an intolerable existence (that is, intolerable by a narc’s standards–no longer any way to control people and get adulation). Whatever the circumstances of YOUR ex’s suicide, there is absolutely nothing wrong with rejoicing that he can no longer torture you. Allow yourself to feel that if you want to…it’s normal and natural and only shows that you have a healthy amount of self-respect and self-compassion. Best wishes to you in your ongoing healing and pursuit of peace and happiness!

      March 11, 2016
  • NC

    My ex narc implied he was going to hurt himself after I confronted him about his lies about the OW and I didnt take his calls. Not the first time he uses this manipulation tactic. However he keep his phone off and after being told the next day he wasnt at work I went to the police. Well guess what? He was just fine but the cops still took him to a mental health facility where he was forced to stay for several days. Hopefully he will learn never to cry wolf about something so serious ever again.

    March 23, 2016
    • Lucy Rising

      NC, I have to confess I chuckled a little at what ended up happening to your narc in that situation. Suicide is a serious and terrible thing, and it’s awful when narcissists use it as a tool to manipulate others. I really hope he DID learn his lesson!

      March 24, 2016
  • NC

    I hope so too. A good friend of mine referred to it as Poetic Justice for all the BS. Have to admit I felt the same way. Funny how Karma works. In your personal experience do you think suffering consequences for their actions changes anything for them? Or they learn who they can and can not mess with? I think Ive been one of the few people in his life that’s stood up to him and against some of his malicious behavior.

    March 24, 2016
    • Lucy Rising

      Suffering consequences never causes a narcissist to feel guilty or ashamed, but they still can and do learn that they took a course of action that only ended in them suffering. And they really abhor suffering when they are the ones doing it. So yes, they do learn who they can and can’t have their way with, and this is why they typically gravitate to co-dependent types who will enable them to have their way.

      March 24, 2016
  • NC

    Also I read constant blogs,where the narc pulled disapperaeing acts or silent treatments or could never commit. That wasn’t my case. My ex narc never did that. He def raged over small things, broke things, and did the covert jabs. But I never had the feeling he was being unfaithful while we were together as all his free time other than work was spent with me. I didn’t see the FULL picture of the vindictiveness until after I broke things off because I needed time to make sure that I could take the next step with him and deal with the craziness for the rest of my life i.e. marriage and kids with him. 2 weeks later it was like he was hell bent on making me pay even though at that point i realized i was in love with him and did want the relationship and he was aware of that. All I read says narcs can not love or only to the extent to that which they can. Is it possible that he ever had strong feelings for me? Otherwise why the over the top reaction? Blaming me for destroying the relationship. I remember him telling me once he may be winning the battle but he lost the war. This,went on for a year and I specifically remember telling him he was an enigma “a mind fuck”. I knew his tactics and I think i tolerated it for that long after the breakup because I did blame myself and felt guilty since I put the brakes on the relationship after almost 4 years together. But after awhile his pointing the finger got very ild. Its like he preferred that opposed to conflict resolution. It was draining to say the least.

    March 24, 2016
    • Lucy Rising

      Your ex’s extreme reaction was more of a temper tantrum over you not giving him everything he wanted from you. Narcs don’t love (as normal people know love) the people they use for narcissistic supply, but they do want to keep that supply coming and when they are denied, they will do anything they can think of to hold on. With you he picked up on your feeling guilty for not wanting marriage and kids when he proposed it. The best way to keep you hanging on then was to say and do things that would encourage that self-blame, make you feel you owed it to him to stay with him and be cooperative. I’m glad you finally started feeling self-love and self-respect and got tired of being blamed! You were not guilty in the least and it was cruel and very narc-like of him to keep convincing you that you were.

      March 24, 2016
  • NC

    I just heard a song callled “Right,Where It Belongs” by 9 inch nails and the lyrics touched me so deeply. I swear the song describes duality of what a narc is but also how you feel after years of being broken down by one.

    March 24, 2016
    • Lucy Rising

      Those lyrics may not have been intended to fit the narc abuse situation, but they certainly do!

      March 24, 2016
  • NC

    I totally agree!!!

    March 24, 2016
  • chris

    I have been control for years,abused, he would do harm to himself then call law and make statements that I had done this to him, has threatened to kill me,not only to me,he has told others,he was going to kill me and bury me where my to dogs are buried, but tonight he texted and said he was coming home going to destroy car and all his belonging,he said he changed his beneficiary to someone,that I care less, states he is going to kill himself,because I am no longer compliant with his narcissistic behavior and abuse, should I go hide, he uses this suicide,knowing that it is a sad thought in my life,I had to brothers kill themselves

    June 25, 2016
    • Lucy Rising

      Chris, if he has made death threats about you to other people, then the authorities have more than just your word that you are in danger. That aside, your word alone should be enough for the police to take the threat of violence seriously. Narcissistic emotional abuse is bad enough, but when you fear for your physical safety, you have to go to the police. There is help for people in danger from domestic abuse, please do what you need to in order to stay safe!

      June 25, 2016
  • Karen Kaeter

    Help! I am currently living seperate from my narc. I am filling out papers to file divorce. My narc wants a legal Seperation. This gives me some financial advantages like in 2 years I would qualify for spousal social security when my narc dies. I would get our mobile home if the narc dies. We have been separated one month and my narc has already done the suicide threats twice. I am thinking I should just file for divorce and flee. No amount of money is worth this kind of abuse. Yes, suicide is emotional blackmail. there are many indicators pointing to the increasing probability that this will be the eventual outcome.

    My dilemma is divorce or Legal Seperation. And I know u can’t choose for me, but I would value your input.

    Thank you,
    the Karen who cares too much…,,,

    December 12, 2016
    • Lucy Rising

      Hi Karen…I’m so sorry you have had to endure marriage to a narcissist and are now having these struggles with ending it. I know very well how financial issues can complicate these things and I understand you’re wanting to be as financially secure as possible. But I feel your hunch is right and the legal separation is fraught with peril. The mere fact that your husband is pushing for it tells me he sees it as a way to keep his power over you, and he will do that as long as that’s the situation. No amount of money IS worth that, you’re right. The most important thing for you is complete escape from this man and total freedom to control your life. Do not be motivated in any way by the suicide threats. Your husband has free will and if he chooses to take his own life (no doubt to inflict punishment on you) that is up to him. You have every right to deny his attempts at emotional blackmail and shame on him for those attempts. I know that you are no doubt a kind, sensitive, giving person and your instincts are to “do whatever it takes to help him,” but narcs are people who prey on that and he’s done that long enough. It’s time for him to take responsibility, not you. You deserve freedom, happiness and peace, especially after all that has happened to you. Please focus on doing what you need to in order to be safe and happy. I hope this helps.

      December 12, 2016
  • flea.

    I apologize for the length…Im still not able to decipher useful information from fluff information. its all just information that I randomly access daily.

    I met him 26 months ago.
    It moved fast, I fell in love – we spent every night together in the first few months, moved in together inside six months.
    In hindsight, Id seen the red flags. There were flirtations and comments that hurt… a continued “friendship” with a woman that he’d never get the opportunity to devalue or discard. She, gorgeous and confident – merely tolerated him and he was infatuated with her. and I watched – Id try to explain how it would make me feel, Id get sad, hurt… and then… invariably Id believe his denials of his feelings for her.
    There were lies – some ridiculously unnecessary, and other minor flirtations with others.
    There was a lack of affection and attention for me throughout our 18 month relationship – which Id try to talk, correct and address… which would irritate him, our “lack of chemistry was my fault, for being so needy / not having enough hobbies / wanting to talk about our problems all the time. It wasn’t a “great” relationship, but there were times that I was truly happy.

    My ex (who I was still technically married to, still friends with) got sick, really sick – 8 months ago. He took a month to die slowly and painfully and it was heartbreaking. Six days after his funeral, my Narc dumped me in the street after a night out with friends. He was sick of me “ruining things”.

    He was never the “best” boyfriend, but he wasn’t a horrible person to me… until the break-up. He couldn’t continue to stay in the house we’d shared as he couldn’t afford it, so he was going to move out… but didn’t until six weeks after the break-up, in this six weeks – He became emotionally abusive (although I know he’d always had aggression for me… but it was under-the-covers, I thought it was inadvertent… accidental) but after the break-up there was no denying his intent to destroy me. He told me Id let my ex, my “friend” die sad and alone, he told me that I had tricked him into our relationship, that the sweet moments we’d shared were a joke a sham to him… he hit on women in front of me and others.. and then would yell at me for sulking…. and then in front of friends he’d informed me that he’d cheated on me with the woman that he’d idolized – while he’d taken her away for the weekend… when he’d told me he was working out of town. About 7 months in to our relationship. and it was my fault he’d done it… then he went into details.

    I was so bewildered, where had he gone? What had I done to deserve all of this?

    Once he was gone from the house, staying with friends (the apartment he wanted wasn’t available for a few more months) I tried to go no contact. He pulled me back in with talk of depression. but still, I told him we weren’t meant to be together… we wanted different types of relationships, and I was too angry – filled with too much betrayal and mistrust.
    Then after weeks of him seemingly fine, telling me how the break-down of our relationship was my fault, my doing through my insecurities and his cheating was the result of my behaviors. I tried to distance myself again… I was open, telling I still love you, seeing you hurts – and you’ve hurt me accidently, on purpose… I have to protect myself. He pulled me back in with talk of blame and how it was all my fault and if Id only just…xyz- but still, I told him we weren’t meant to be together… we wanted different types of relationships, and I was too angry – filled with too much betrayal and mistrust.
    Then more weeks of him being nice, of me being confused about this, he found a different apartment… inspected it – and immediately regretted it… hated it, and called me… He had no other friends. I left work early and hugged him through it, he cried… he was sad that he didn’t live in our house anymore, have our life anymore.… Id laughed, and said you moved out 2 months ago, we broke up 3.5 months ago… this is where we are… but I love you, everything will be ok, let’s be friends… lets go get a drink.
    I sent him emails and letters, I told him – Id always love him, but we wanted different types of relationships, and I was too angry – filled with too much betrayal and mistrust. He’d sometimes answer…. But usually not addressing anything.. I don’t even know if he read them.
    We’d talk all the time. he’d call me way more than he did when we were together. And then I started to sense, realise… I wasn’t moving on, I didn’t want to date him.. but the time and contact we had with each other.. it was kinda dating… I sent him / told him… it wasn’t healthy… not what I wanted and we had to stop seeing each other, Id still talk to him – but I was moving on.

    I went on vacations with friends, went on dates.
    Then I met someone.
    I told him. I told him I wouldn’t lie to the new guy… wouldn’t hide that I still talked to him (my narc) and I would lie to my narc about seeing the new guy… there was nothing to hide, I was seeing a guy and had a platonic relationship with my ex (narc) bf. I wasn’t going to lie or do anything duplicitous with anyone, Id been hurt by that – and wasn’t going to do it to someone else.
    This kicked off an escalation in my narc. The phonecalls, texts, emails and visits increased. Gifts appeared at the door. Two weeks after I told my Narc Id met someone… he proposed…with a ring and everything, in his proposal he gave me his passwords to phones, gmails, bank… everything. He’d deleted the gorgeous and confident “friend” from his life (although had gone to visit her out of state the week before the proposal, where she talked of her new bf) he deleted all women from his facebook acct. as he “only wanted me in his life.”

    I said that we should be friends, and that over time perhaps I could trust him again… but for now… I needed a month of no contact… just time to let it settle – not be angry or feel betrayed, to not talk endlessly of how our relationship failed and who should have done what and why. But as he could never answer questions about certain things he’d done… especially the way he’d broken up with me… and was so cruel, pushed away all his friends… he should see a therapist. Understand his own actions and feelings at least.

    He couldn’t give me a month.
    The next three weeks were calls, texts… panicked and relentless. He’d drive by the house… leave things on the doorstep… Id talk to him, asking – whats wrong? Why are you acting like this? this is crazy, He demanded I leave this new guy… go to couples counselling with him. But we arent a couple?! I would say… It seemed bizarre. I was so confused… so baffled by his actions… and there had been so many lies, by this stage he’d confessed that there were more secret meetings with other women, some his ex’s…. he’d reached out to other women consistently through the relationship, he’d lied about his job, his history… so many things. So many times Id asked “was anything real?” “he said “in the moments it was just me and you… it was just me and you”. Id cried. I didn’t want “moments”. Id thought it was a relationship.

    So here he was acting like I was the most important person in his universe – all of a sudden… and I was telling him, to stop being silly… remember why he broke up with me in the first place, and start doing the things that gave him pleasure (the projects that he’d dedicate himself to for so many hours while we were together).

    Three weeks after he proposed. And I’d said no.. he had his appointment with a therapist.
    Four days later he started calling me at 6:05am, 3 hrs. and 26 missed calls later – I woke up and looked at my phone – then it rang from a “burner phone”, it was him… he threatened to kill himself, I told him to come see me, don’t use emotional blackmail… where is he? I love him… why is he being this way?.
    He told me that he had a noose around his neck, and that I should say goodbye. I told him I wouldn’t. more things were said, I repeatedly told him I loved him, and that many other people did too… he said goodbye and the phone went quiet. When I had the courage to end the call that had been quiet against my yelling of his name… I emailed his older brother… asking for help, that he wasn’t acting right – hadn’t for the last while and I didn’t think I was the right person to help him…

    His co-workers found his body the next morning (was a Monday)when then arrived at the warehouse. He was unhappy with the opportunities he’d been given at work – which is maybe why he did it there. A month before we broke up, he’d resigned this place to go work for a smaller company in a role he’d never done before… but was excited by the status.. two weeks into the role, he broke up with me… two weeks later he resigned the job and sent emails to the executives advising why they would never be successful with the company.. and went back to the old job with the promise of new opportunities, although the prestige of the company, industry and role did not impress him… and eventually – the new opportunities didn’t eventuate either.

    His friend group also dwindled. In his rage fueled months around our break-up, he said some things to people he couldn’t take back… he was angry all the time and for a lot of his long-time friends (there weren’t many of them) they distanced themselves from him. He blamed me for a lot of this.

    I called his work on Monday morning, telling the receptionist that if she didn’t hear from him to call me so I could complete a missing persons report (Id attempted this the previous day, but the police officer dismissed his intent as attention seeking) that’s when I was told, I asked who the next of kin was and it was his sister… I knew he’d want his older brother to know, and to take charge. So I emailed him again – asking him to please call me. When he called me, I told him that his brother had committed suicide. He asked me how he did it?…
    Over the next week I was told of how he’s threatened this before, with ex’s with his mother… when he wasn’t getting his way. No one ever took him seriously, and his threats never were actualized. His brother, his sisters and his mother told me that the 18 months with me were the most stable they’d ever seen him in his life…. And they believe that it was because he knew he was loved and respected and it gave him confidence.

    Today its December 12th,
    He did it on September 17th.
    Yesterday I put up the Christmas tree and found some of his decorations and cried for a while.

    I know that I’m mourning… I don’t know who I’m mourning for.

    Also, interesting facts:

    1. I spoke to the gorgeous and confident friend of his… I wanted her to know she was welcome to his service, we spoke for a long time – yes, she’d gone away for the weekend with him – he’d told her he needed to visit his mother, and it made him anxious and he wanted a friend along… (and that he and I were on one of our “breaks” that happened frequently according to him… which in reality never happened once) she agreed… there was no cheating and no attempt to be physical, although he’d proposed (no ring) with a promise to look after her financially with no sexual strings attached… I believe her 100%. The cheating revelation devastated me for months… its all he and I talked about for some time and it was just a way to control me. I wasn’t even true.
    2. I spoke to the therapist who advised that he’d shown no risk of self-harm, or concern… I believe the therapist… the therapist indicated that my Narc talked of the future and that he was trying to decided who he wanted to be with… me or the gorgeous / confident girl… both of us were not interested in this, both of us were seeing other people. Four days before he committed suicide, he was sitting four feet from someone trained to help him… and he decided to lie and talk of a fantasy.
    3. four weeks after it happened, his ex from out of town contacted me, she’d only just found out and was so sad… but also one of the few people that could understand my experience…. He’d been cruel to her too…she’d told him he had NPD because of his behaviors and actions during and after the relationship… he’d proposed to her too… she’d said no too… he had stalked and harassed her too… and she loved him anyway…. And 7 months into my relationship with him, he’d reached out to her and hit on her. She said “ I wanted to reach out to you and warn you… but I knew that it was unlikely to be received the way it was intended” I believed her, as I wanted to do that with his next faceless, nameless girlfriend… I felt sorry for the next girl to unwittingly fall in love with him…. Like I still was.
    4. the day after he did it, I found videos and emails he’d sent me… it happened just after I woke up so I never saw them. There were songs he’d recorded… one called Ballerina “I never wanted you.. but I want you now, I never needed you – but I need you now”.

    again, sorry for the length… its less of a story and more of a raw brain-dump.
    My therapist tells me that he killed himself at me.

    December 12, 2016
    • Lucy Rising

      Oh Katrina, what a long ordeal you’ve been through! Your “brain-dump” was more than enough information for me to conclude that this guy had NPD. Every behavior you describe is classic. Suicide is common among narcissists, and it’s a final act of punishment towards the person or people who failed to give the narc what he wanted. This guy was never going to have a healthy relationship with anyone, because he was incapable of it. He was only going to cause more pain to others as long as he was on this planet. It sounds harsh to say, but the world is better off without these people in it, existing only to please themselves and abuse others in order to get their way. Do not for a minute blame yourself for what happened. No act of this man was ever your responsibility. You showed him far more kindness than he deserved. Please do keep up the therapy and read more of the Lucy Rising program: what you’ve been through is very hard and you need to make sure you heal from the experience. I wish you a bright and peaceful future!

      December 12, 2016
  • flea.

    thank you so much for saying that he had NPD. Id never known what it was before I met him, and even though Ive done a ridiculous amount of reading and research since the break-up, there’s always been that unsilence-able voice inside of me, asking
    “What if he wasn’t NPD? what if you are just a bitter, dumped ex gf that needs to label him, label the experience with something? and if he wasn’t… then maybe he needed more of your help, and you didn’t give it to him because you were to focused on your own feelings” As I write that, I know it isn’t true…I saw his feelings so much more valid and important than my own, and academically I know it – but not in my heart, not yet anyway – I still feel like my job was his ballast, his cheerleader, his heart… and I let him down. Id become addicted to being that for him, and he’d become addicted to me being it. In the month or so before he died, I actually told him that… that it wasn’t healthy for ex’s to be enmeshed that way. Now that I think of that conversation… its almost like he was letting me talk, but not really listening – he either didn’t understand or didn’t care to… I was there, I was talking in soothing tones… or even if I was yelling… or crying… I was focused on him, he didn’t care why – as long as ‘I was about’ him.
    Even his friends were telling me to go no contact, they saw the dysfunction and what it was doing to me… and how he was seeking it out. I remember saying “just because someone is mean to me, doesn’t mean I should be mean to them back’. I was proud of adopting that point of view.. but it was at a cost.
    Anyway… thank you so much for saying you believe he was NPD… My therapist doesn’t focus, doesn’t subscribe to the labels much and is more likely to focus on the simplicity of “crazy is crazy, doesn’t matter what flavor” and ‘if someone regularly treats you poorly, there is no label or motivation that you can assign them – that makes that ok, and warrants you to stick around for it’ which – although true…I suspect is better advice when you have shaken all of it off, and are truly moving on… not when you are in a debris field of thoughts and emotions that don’t match… trying to figure out what happened, what was real… and how you got there.
    thank you for your comments, and thank you for providing a soft place to land – where I’ve felt ok to tell my story/brain dump.

    December 12, 2016
    • Lucy Rising

      What you describe of how you interacted with him just confirms all the more to me how classic your situation was. People with your nature (and I’m one too) are the perfect prey for narcs and this is just the sort of relationship that results, to a T. We are the sort who take a weird sort of pride in how much abuse we can take and still keep loving. The root of that is usually not having enough self-love and self-compassion, and we need to work on that every day.

      What your therapist says is true, but it’s not as helpful in your case (or mine) as it could be. We are not the sort that respond well to “bad behavior is never okay.” Because we make endless excuses, we feel virtuous when we love mean people and guilty when we don’t love everyone unconditionally. But if you understand narc abuse and narc victims, you know that loving these people is pointless and even destructive, you know they are not fully human, nor are they “fixable,” so all that comes from being involved with them is pain and dysfunction. You need to understand fully what happened to you and why it wasn’t your fault, and how it affected you, in order to recover. I recommend you read Mod 1 of Lucy Rising (http://lucyrising.com/mod1) to get a helpful overview of all that.

      I’m so happy to know my response was helpful and you felt good about sharing your story. It can be hard to find people who understand narcissism, and those who don’t, well-meaning though they may be, can be pretty unhelpful. Narcissism is a very strange thing, narcs are nothing like normal human beings, so being the victim of one can be so confusing. That’s why I created Lucy Rising. Feel free to write again if you have any more questions. I know you will sort this all out!

      December 12, 2016
  • Meg

    I was the mistress of a narcissist and trying really hard to get out. He was threating suicide, killing people, maiming people etc. When he commited suicide, his children would be without a father and it would be my fault.

    He was going to commit suicide and I should know that he was going to do it.

    He was going to commit suicide and I should know that he wasn’t going to do it.

    So I said: you have said that you are going to commit suicide and I should know that you will do it and you have said that you are going to commit suicide and I should know that you won’t do it. Tell me which is true and I’ll believe that version.

    He didn’t answer but he had the biggest, most brilliant, most contented, super glowing smile.

    I didn’t understand and still don’t. He made it impossible for me believe anything he said and he was happy about it.

    March 08, 2017
    • Lucy Rising

      Hi Meg,

      What a nightmare… Well, one of the things the typical narcissist gets off on is messing with people’s heads. So your confusion alone would delight him. Even more so, they love having people psychologically so in their control that they can dictate what they think. So your willingness to believe whatever he chose to designate as “truth” was a thrill too. Manipulation is their favorite game because it makes them feel powerful and superior. Nothing makes them happier. If it seems inhuman, it’s because it is. Narcs are not human beings as we understand them–they have very different psyches than you and I. I’m so sorry you went through this and I hope you have escaped the influence of this terrible person completely. I know this sounds cruel, but I wish he weren’t just using the threat of suicide to toy with you and was actually serious enough to rid the world of his toxic self. What a tragedy it is to have to say that about a person of our species, but it’s true.

      March 08, 2017
  • marli

    Its now 2 weeks into the suicide of my husband. He was bipolar, ptsd, narc and OCD…so in short a sociopath. We where married for 6 years…6 years of emotional abuse. some days we laughed and all was well….then nothing triggered him and he abused me…calling me names..even accusing me of having sex with my own sons. He eventually agreed to counselling and therapy. I filed for divorce and took it back 4 times…eventually I had a nervous breakdown and moved out. now after his death so much of his lies came out…his affair, the one I heard of 3 days after his death…Cleaning the house I found much more stuff…One side of me is so relieved that I dont get 26 text messages in a few minutes telling me how f* up I am…but the other part of me is sad…why? He had no relationship with his sons, father or brothers…his 1st wife also left him because of all the above and even more…but why am I sad? and relieved? Marli

    April 19, 2017
    • Lucy Rising

      Hi Marli, I’m so sorry you had this tragic relationship as part of your life, and so relieved that it is over for you in every way now. So if I, a stranger, am relieved, you certainly have the right to be! As for the sadness, there are all kinds of reasons why that might be happening. Even though your husband was a terrible man and your abuser, you still have a heart and it’s normal then to be sad that someone born to be part of the human family and make their own positive mark on the world wasted their life and caused so much pain instead. And meanwhile, you may also be grieving over your own loss of happiness and the time you spent coping with an abuser. Let the feelings come as they may and don’t worry whether they are normal–if you’re having them, they are! The healthiest thing is to process the feelings and not judge them. This too shall pass and you will be free to focus on your future and all the positive possibilities that lie ahead for you. I hope this helps!

      April 19, 2017
  • nobody special

    Narcs do not commit or attempt to commit suicide. Nor do they threaten suicide. First, it shows weakness and narcs do NOT show weakness, just like they never apologize. This is disinformation. Threatening suicide is a desperate plea for help. When a wife divorces a husband, threatening suicide is a desperate, all be it manipulative plea to stop the divorce. But it is uncharacteristic by the definition of and typical behavior of a real narc.

    November 07, 2017
    • Lucy Rising

      In fact, it is well documented that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder threaten as well as commit suicide, as a Google search on the topic will demonstrate. Studies show this to be the case, and narcs are also known for a higher success rate at suicide attempts. As I said in my post, I can vouch for this from personal experience (with my ex-husband and my uncle).

      Your breakdown in logic occurs when you state that suicidal behavior is a sign of weakness. In narcissists, this is far from the truth. If the threat of suicide is an idle one, then it is utterly a power play to control the behavior of the victim. It is not a plea for help, it is a means to for the narc to get his way…again. Even in the case when the narcissist actually means to kill him- or herself, that again is not from weakness but rather an act of power. For example, I know of a narc father who deliberately shot himself, without warning, in front of his young daughter. There was no plea for help involved–it was his ultimate act of ruining the life of his child forever.

      It is impossible for a normal person to fathom what it’s like to have no empathy or shame, and have the personality that lives only according to its own desires. Therefore, of course it’s hard to fathom how a human being could value hurting someone else to the extent that they would end their own life. Narcissists can and do get to this place sometimes: they can feel that they have exhausted their options to manipulate others, leaving their lives without purpose, and choose to perform this final act of power over those who have dared to try to thwart or leave them. It is not weakness to them but the ultimate strength.

      I reiterate: do not let threats of suicide by your abuser alter your resolve to escape them. It is never a victim’s responsibility to keep his or her abuser alive if the narc chooses otherwise. If you let this form of manipulation influence you, it becomes the way the narc can control you for the rest of your life…exactly what he is hoping will happen.

      November 08, 2017
  • Brian

    Step dad wants to be bailed out of jail. Even though there is a restraining order passed a message saying if mom does not bail him out tonight be will kill himself. She has changed so much – she called the jail and informed them he is suicidal.

    November 14, 2017
    • Lucy Rising

      Good for your mom! Whatever happens she should keep her distance and not get sucked in again. I hope she stays strong!

      November 14, 2017
  • Struggling To Overcome

    I was with my husband for 15 years who was never clinically diagnosed as a narcissist but he definitely had all the traits of a narcissist. We married 2 months after we met. Two months after we married was the first time I experienced his rage. I was going to dinner with some girlfriends. He really didn’t want me to but I went anyway. While having dinner my best friend calls me and tells me to get home immediately because my husband was having a BBQ with all my stuff. When I got home, sure enough….he threw every single thing I owned in the BBQ pit. I am talking everything, clothes, shoes, makeup, hairbrushes, everything. Of course I was completely devastated. That same night the verbal and physical assault I took that night was equally devastating. He even called my parents and told them I was a whore and I was leaving him for someone else. Which was sooo far from the truth. The next day I remember crying and asking him why he did what he did. I remember saying I wasn’t raised to handle my disagreements like that and told him I was leaving. He cried and said he was sorry and begged me to stay, he put a knife to his arm claiming he was going to kill himself if I left. Me being the person I am didn’t want to see him hurt, so stayed. As the years went on the control and verbal attacks, lies about my reputation got worse. Somewhere through the years he started to turn the fights around to make it seem like I did something wrong. This whole pattern would lead me to saying I was leaving and he would always use the same tactic…him threatening suicide if I left. So I would stay. With a male friend of 20yrs help and reminding me of the person I use to be, I finally had the courage to really stand up for myself about 6 mos ago and started to try to take my life back even though we were still married. Little had I known my husband told our daughters and his family that I was sleeping with another man…..also far from the truth. It finally came to a head and I told him he needed to get help and I was leaving and not coming back until he got that help. The night I was going to leave he told our daughters, friends, and his family members I was leaving him for this other man and he couldn’t live without me. This I saw as being all part of his pattern to keep control of me. I told him he could say whatever, do whatever, I wasn’t going to let him suck me back into his pattern. Early the next morning he took his own life. Everyone says I shouldn’t feel guilty but it hard not to. I cant get the images out of my head when I found him. Every day has been a real struggle entionally and mentally for me. I find myself wondering if my husband really knew how much I love him. I know his family will never truly know how much I love him, since the last thing they were planted with by my husband were lies. I just wanted him to get help. We ended up finding a journal my husband wrote stating how he lied and manipulated things to make me look bad. His family still blames me and blames my friend of 20yrs. So now I am trying to grieve for my husband and the guilt I feel but have to wear a undeserved scarlet letter around and deal with his family bashing me to anyone who will listen. But yet his family had no problems trying to take credit for a funeral service they offered absolutely no help in paying for and tried to undermine all my decisions. My husband is now a saint in thier eyes and I am the one who hurt thier family. They have no idea who thier brother was. When my husband was good he was very good but when he was bad, it was really bad. My husband screwed me up in so many ways. Picking up pieces seems impossible some days.

    November 27, 2017
    • Lucy Rising

      Struggling, I’m so sorry you had to suffer all the torments of this marriage. But you have suffered enough at the hands of this terrible person and now it’s time for you to have peace and happiness. Please don’t let his family take over his role as your tormentor. There may well be more narcissists among them. I also want to explain to you that the guilt you feel is absolutely no indication of actual guilt. Your husband conditioned you over the years to feel acute anguish when you disobeyed him. That’s the main reason why you always could be controlled by his suicide threats. What you are feeling now is more Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome than the normal guilt that a person suffers when they do something wrong. Manipulating a person with threats of suicide is a terrible, cruel thing to do. It is NOT a cry for help as some might suggest, but a calculated effort at emotional control of another. He didn’t kill himself because he “couldn’t live without your love,” it was because he lived to control and torture you and no longer had that power over you, and he wanted to punish you in the ultimate way. The world is much better off without that kind of person in it, and I’m glad he can no longer hurt you and other innocent people in his life. Please do visit http://www.lucyrising.com and read as much as you can (it’s my free program for recovery from narc abuse). You need help recovering from all these years of torture. Remember you are the victim here and you deserve healing and restoration of your life. Also, please cut off all ties with your husband’s family. They are terrible people to behave the way they are, and you have every right to have nothing more to do with them. If you have children, they also have no right to contact with them, when they are treating their mother so abominably. Please trust me on all this, I have a lot of experience with this subject and have seen the same things happen over and over when narcissism is involved. And above all, love yourself. You deserve to be loved and have gone many years without it from your husband and his family. It will take time and effort to recover, but you can and will.

      November 28, 2017
  • will

    i wish stop using he when you talking about narcissist .stop just stop that,,,poor men ,poor loving hero fathers that most of people thinking of them as drunk,womaniser,abuser,narcissist,,,including who wrote this,,,they rather wear this labels than fight with Goliath that have law and courts on her side,,and you been tapping on their shoulders and maybe are friends with them,,,all this i read was she done to me the difference is way more evil,,,i know is hard to believe that for women …is so easy to get away with it,,,and be praised by everyone,,,and i look am her,,she turned tables around ,,no wonder experts keep saying he he he,,,,narcissist women numbers are even higher than men,,he knows will be put away kicked out of the house ,not seen children truth or lie is one phone call away from a woman,,
    and narcissist women knows that and many other tricks very very well,,i think should use lie detectors in courts when push comes to shove,,is only way ,get the real truth out….men are easy label cheating,,,,new study shows women are not much behind and are very close to men on that,,,when man say she cheated on him…they need see photos,,,,,,,,,,poor men,,,

    May 23, 2018
    • Lucy Rising

      Will, while there are more narcissistic men than women, it is not a contest and no one posting here would ever suggest there aren’t male victims of narcissistic abuse and plenty of them. Clearly you are among those unfortunate men, and I have counselled many others. There are different disadvantages associated with gender in this situation. While I agree with you that the courts tend to favor mothers and that oftentimes hurts male narc victims, women victims struggle with issues of their own like inferior physical strength, frequent lower access to income, limited choices due to the dependence of children, etc. But as I said, this is not a battle between the genders, it is a battle between the abused and their tormentors.

      May 23, 2018
  • Michael

    I have read all of this and I’m the rare male bird who was a victim of this. Wrongfully arrested from lies. Harassed relentlessly and falsely accused of abuse sabotaging relationships I’ve had. Endless messages, pictures and videos with other men to torture. Stealing from me and breaking into my home while I’m asleep In bed and taking things as some type of sick twisted joke. Multiple suicide threats. Stalking me on dates and physical assault to break the date up. The list goes on. I tried everything from having her arrested to fighting fire with fire and beating her at her own game and she wouldn’t stop. She continued on an obsessive self destructive path until she failed in an attempt to take her own life she claimed as some twisted thing to manipulate me to help her. I’m glad I did but had to pay a high cost to help. My conscience is clear.

    June 11, 2018
    • Lucy Rising

      Michael, I feel awful that you’ve had to endure this nightmare. It’s really beyond belief how evil some narcissists are. The other thing that never ceases to amaze me is how narcs who have treated their victims as badly as this still find those victims will make sacrifices to help them, as you did. Had you turned your back on her, you would have had nothing to feel bad about, but I’m glad you’re happy with your decision to help. Still, if it happens again do not hesitate to refrain from intervention. You not only owe her nothing, but you are the last person who should be expected to provide any help. What you deserve is to be rid of her for the rest of your life, and I hope you can find a way to escape the nightmare. When a narcissist bows out of life it definitely is a kind of tragedy…but it’s also the best thing that could happen to spare the innocent people around them more pain and abuse.

      June 12, 2018

Leave a comment


Name*

Email(will not be published)*

Website

Your comment*

Submit Comment

Copyright © Lucy Rising