• Lia

    I had this very discussion just a few days ago. I totally agree there is absolutely no changing or helping a narcissist.

    If a narcissist ever ended up in therapy they would only lie and manipulate any therapist.

    They have no ability to self reflect no conscience and no moral compass.

    They hurt manipulate and control without any regard for others feelings social norms or self reflection.

    They are devoid of any real human traits like empathy remorse or regret.

    To me they are the epitome of evil and no then can never change.

    I lived with one for 20 years and they nearly destroyed me. I know first hand how they are 100% incapable of change. I would bet my life on it. I nearly did but thankfully unlike a narcissist I have the ability to change and heal.

    The only reason I survived the horrific experience.

    July 10, 2016
    • Lucy Rising

      Kayla, I’m also very thankful for your attorney and that you escaped that dreadful marriage. Good for you for succeeding in no contact and freeing yourself! Thanks for sharing your story so others can learn of someone else who survived a long narc relationship through no contact. Blessings!

      July 10, 2016
    • Lucy Rising

      Lia, everything you say is spot on. I’m so glad you escaped your situation! There is life after narcissists and I’m so happy every time I learn of another victim who left that awful life behind. Blessings to you!

      July 10, 2016
    • Hi . I was wondering if you have any guidance on how to stay afloat emotionally while trying to love a narcissistic spouse ??

      August 19, 2017
      • Lucy Rising

        Anna, unfortunately I’m a firm believer that it’s pointless and dangerous to love a narcissist under any circumstances. A narc is like a black hole for love, they consume it (without deriving any actual benefits) and consume YOU. I hope you will read http://www.lucyrising.com, especially Mod 1, to understand fully how NPD works and how impossible it is to change a narcissist. I’m sorry you are dealing with this situation and I want only the best for you, believe me. I wish there were hope for these people but they truly are unreachable.

        August 19, 2017
  • Dianne

    I have believed for many years that the original victorian name for narcissists/sociopaths being “Moral Insanity” is the most accurate & leaves no confusion as to the full craziness of it,the inability to change,their actual enjoyment of it

    February 25, 2017
    • Lucy Rising

      Dianne, you are absolutely right!

      February 26, 2017
  • lin

    I’m still on the roller coaster of emotions that happens when you leave. Yet this is where my thoughts dwell at the moment. How desperately sad it is to have a self built wall of protection around yourself, so that you cannot trust, and live in fear of never truly knowing what love is, yet spending a life time of searching for something you were probably denied as a child, completely oblivious of the destruction you cause to those you profess to “love”, in the hope of receiving it.

    August 20, 2017
    • Lucy Rising

      Lin, psychologists haven’t yet fully come to understand why narcissists develop the disorder, but the prevailing theory is that sometime in early childhood, the individual makes the choice to live a life of 100% self-interest. Some narcs have difficult childhoods, others have perfectly happy ones and devoted parents. Narcissists don’t search for love (even if they can be really good at selling that story as their true feelings), they search for power and control. They don’t look for someone to love, they look for someone they can use as a source of attention, fear, and obedience. They believe love is a weakness and something only fools feel. They seek to exploit it in others for their own gain. So don’t misunderstand how NPD works. Your narcissistic abuser would like to you feel compassion and pity because that gives him the ability to control and manipulate you. He doesn’t need or want love, and no amount of it would ever change him in the least except to encourage his narcissism.

      August 20, 2017
  • Stephanie

    I also think it’s worth mentioning that narcs will completely capitalize on the hope of their victims that change is possible. I call it “hope bait.” After an explosive cycle of abuse, the honeymoon period contains the exact dose of hope bait required to keep the victim in check with “If I just modified my behaviors like ‘so,’ the outcome will be different next time, and/or, they have FINALLY come to see how counterproductive they are being, and that I AM here to stay, so they have seen the light and understand my logic! The narc’s ability to manipulate is really impressive. It can’t be too much hope, or else the victim will see right through it, nor can it be too little an offering that it won’t entice a victim as a good “bargain”. After repeated and repeated cycles of the exact same promises, the narc understands fully what will work and what doesn’t, what is repeatable and what is a “one-time-use” card.

    February 06, 2018
    • Lucy Rising

      Stephanie, your insights are absolutely brilliant and spot on. Thanks so much for commenting–clearly you have a terrific understanding of how narcs work!

      February 06, 2018
  • Lynn

    In July 2017, I left an ex-narc. We would see each other randomly until the end of November 2017 but it was definitely not the same. He’s an alcoholic and when he drinks he gets even crazier. He tried to talk me into getting back with him on 11/24/17 (didn’t work) so he tried to get with another ex of his (didn’t work) so he went back further to another ex that he was previously with for 5-7 years over 5 years ago. To my surprise he proposed to her the day of or the day after Christmas with the same ring he used to propose to me April 2016. I WAS TORN APART and STILL AM!! I don’t understand how I know for sure that I don’t want to be him but I love him so much. I think about him each and every day all day. I’ve set up some therapy sessions because I feel myself going into depression.
    When I asked him about the engagement he texted me and wrote “what mattered to him doesn’t matter anymore because I didn’t make sacrifices to be with him.” It was bad enough that he was a ticking time bomb, verbally and emotionally abusive. Then I began researching different articles on NPD and hit the mark right on the head. I’d like to find a group to go to in person.

    February 07, 2018
    • Lucy Rising

      Lynn, your story is a classic one for a narc victim, so rest assured there are thousands of people who have had the same terrible and baffling experience. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this but very thankful for your determination to overcome it. First of all, it is not love for him that you feel…you’re perfectly sane and what sane person would love someone who hurts them? Rather, it is a conditioned addiction that this guy has trained you to have by capitalizing on your vulnerabilities and making you his psychological prisoner. You CAN get over this. It takes understanding what has happened to you (for that I recommend both the therapy AND reading as much of http://www.lucyrising.com and other info on NPD as you can), time, and restoration of your self-compassion. I also urge you to have no further contact with this guy, don’t follow him on social media, cut every aspect of him out of your life. It’s impossible to escape the power of narcissistic abuse when you are still under any influence of his manipulations. You need to get your head clearer so you can work out what is real and what is his conditioning of you. You are headed in the right direction and believe me, have already made great strides. I’ve worked with many a person far more confused than you are who was able to recover from their abuse, and you will do it too! Best wishes and hugs to you.

      February 08, 2018

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