• Jessica

    Hi, I don’t know if I belong here but, I sometimes feel like I am with a narc. Or am I the narc? I don’t know if narc is even the right term for what I deal with. Is there a a list of what is considered narc behavior.? Or am I just sensitive?. If anyone could help thank u, I’m struggling.

    December 27, 2015
    • Lucy Rising

      Hello Jessica, I apologize that it appears I failed to approve or address your comment and now it has been over two months since you posted! I swear I replied in some fashion but it seems not.

      As this blog post pointed out, many hypersensitive people doubt themselves when the narcissist in their lives suggests they are the narcissistic one. Honestly, the best way to tell if you are the narc is to ask yourself if you’ve ever felt shame over your actions, or if you’ve ever felt truly sorry for another person. Narcissists are incapable of either. They can behave on the outside like they are ashamed or sympathetic, but the proof is in the pudding and eventually they give away that it was only acting. Mod 1 of Lucy Rising presents a lot of information on narc behavior, so perusing that Mod will present the detail you are looking for.

      February 08, 2016
  • Elaine

    How do I know that I’m not just making excuses for my own issues and blaming my mother? I’ve taken all the quizes I can find and they all come out the same- She is a narc and I am messed up. But how do I know I am answering right? Maybe I am answering wrong on purpose in order to blame her. I’m not trying to answer the questions wrong. But how do I know that I didn’t cause the things she has said. I was stubborn and independent, I really may have been difficult to raise, I was/am clumsy and careless, I do have stringy hair, large butt and thighs, longer than normal neck, I am really not that interesting (my brain does not hold onto details or recall names of things very well- example, it took me forever to remember the name for toile- the french patterned fabric((silly))). All these are truths, how can I blame HER for that?

    I can’t remember every situation with her, it’s an ongoing FEELING of worthlessness and not trusting people that I want changed but how fair is it if I am really messed up to blame her. What if she isn’t this way? What if I don’t see the shame or guilt because she isn’t to blame?

    I do some of these things with my kids. I have yelled at them when I am stressed. I used to give my husband the silent treatment early in our marriage. What if I am really the narcissist that is calling her the narcissist? I see what you say about feeling the shame and guilt and not being a N but how can I trust that is really what I do feel (shame and guilt?) but could I not be using those in order to better place blame on her?

    I’m just not certain of my perspective. She never physically abused me. I am an adult with feelings of worthlessness is all. How do I know it’s not just my brain that is messed up and nothing to do with her?


    April 12, 2016
    • Lucy Rising

      Elaine, I can tell from the way you speak of yourself that your self-esteem and self-compassion are really low. And considering the number of people who have never even HEARD of toile, there’s no reason to feel bad if you have trouble recalling the word on a particular day–how uninteresting can you be if you were trying to talk about “toile”?

      You speak precisely like a person who has been trained to take the blame for everything and endlessly doubt what your own thoughts and feelings are telling you…in short, like a classic narc victim. There is not one word you say here, nor one thought that you express, that shows the slightest indication that you are a narcissist yourself.

      Your self-assessment is not so much full of “truths” as it is of interpretations. I’m sure your mother pointed out on a regular basis that you were “stubborn and independent,” probably when you were doing nothing worse than disagreeing with her or articulating your own opinion. The length of your neck and size of your butt and thighs are relative…and even if you are not precisely “average” on these counts, they are matters of no consequence as far as how good or lovable a person you are. “Clumsy” and “careless” are also descriptions that cruel parents impose upon their children, when they are in fact no more clumsy and careless than anyone else.

      As I point out in the Lucy Rising program, emotional abuse is often more damaging and insidious than physical abuse. The wounds and scars, being invisible, aren’t handy proof that we’ve been hurt. But believe me, narc abuse is some of the most damaging cruelty a person can inflict. Do not belittle your experiences because you didn’t get physical bruises from them.

      If you can find your way to really feeling compassion for yourself, for listening to yourself and believing in your feelings and giving yourself credit for being able to see reality, the programming that has been done to you by your mother will start to lose its grip. Silence that voice inside you that always insists on giving her the benefit of the doubt. If you feel blame towards her, then listen to that–give it credence for awhile and see if possibly you aren’t actually right! Your opinions and feelings are valid and shouldn’t be shot down.

      The first days of considering you might be a narc victim are always, above all else, extremely confusing. It all takes a lot of sorting out. I hope you will start with Mod 1 of Lucy Rising and work your way through at a comfortable pace, taking time to understand it all and re-evaluate your life. I know that bit by bit you’ll find more clarity and begin to make sense of what you find so baffling right now.

      But trust me–you’re not a narcissist and you give every indication of being a victim instead. I hope this helps and do write again if you have questions on the program! Hugs to you.

      April 12, 2016
  • D Rap

    I think there might be too many labels, esp when it comes to family. There’s an “ownership” involved, where they think they can work out their issues on you/treat you like crap and you won’t go anywhere.

    I think the test is when you do go and stay gone — and they don’t even try to bullshit you with an explanation or apology to get you back. Or if they try to take down (and not just yap, but work really hard like a lion killing a gazelle taking down) anyone who doesn’t think/act/believe like they do. Or if a conversation ABOUT NOTHING deviates from them being the center of attention they fight like hell to get it back.

    Your mother sounds just like my grandmother — and then I lived for her for a while and realized she’s a true gazelle-killing narc (and I’m pushing 50 and she was still talking to me like your mom talks to you). It’s been 2 years since I kicked her ass to the curb; nice and quiet now. (I had to move out of state to get away from my mother the martyr though….never ends).

    Much Luck and Take Care!

    April 19, 2016
    • Lucy Rising

      D Rap, great points throughout. Good for you for having the strength to rise above your narcs! Thanks for your encouragement to Elaine.

      April 19, 2016
  • TryingToGoHighAndNotStoopToNarcissist'sLowLevel

    Thank you for your post. It really helps to know I am not alone. A woman who befriended me online in 2008 (all friendly comms documented) stole my husband and is now using every tactic in the narcissist rule book, including calling me the narcissist. She has no remorse for her deceptions from Day 1, and plays the victim – whilst at the same time baits me to respond to her consistent nasty posts about my husband and my failed IVF attempts (and her supposed pregnancy from her affair with my husband which supposedly ended in miscarriage even though my husband never saw any reports on the pregnancy itself), my weight, etc etc and even has recently posted a joke about how funny it would be for me to slide into a wood chipper. I’ve got this all documented. But the most frustrating part is that she feels compelled to cause the chaos and bully me online…and yet I am not allowed to stand up for myself and respond to her lies? If I must remain silent or face her threats of legal action? I’m sorry, what?!? Doesn’t make sense to me.

    September 03, 2017
    • Lucy Rising

      What a nightmare, Annie! I know well from experience how terrible it is to go through something like this. It’s one of the more maddening problems that can result from a relationship with a narcissist. The main joy a narc derives from this kind of bullying is the feeling of power they get from being able to make you upset and get a rise out of you. When you respond you’re giving them exactly what they want and making them happy, and it will just encourage them to continue the abuse. On the other hand, nothing makes a narcissist more miserable than being ignored, and when you do so you’re getting your best revenge. I understand when the abuse is happening publicly you want to go on record as opposing the abusive statements, for the sake of others reading the exchange. Probably those who know you (and definitely those who care about you) won’t listen to the narc anyway. But if you have any doubts, then simply post “Your accusations are untrue and I won’t dignify them with any further response” and leave it at that. Then, for the sake of your own peace of mind, stop reading the narcissist’s posts. No good comes from any kind of contact with them at all. The best thing you can do is block them on social media, avoid all contact, and move on with your recovery and your life. Fighting back only hurts you–there is nothing you can say that will change them or their behavior and you are only giving them the attention they crave, continuing in your role as their victim.

      September 04, 2017

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