A workable way to forgive
- At November 02, 2015
- By Lucy Rising
- In Uncategorized
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As I’ve discussed before at some length, the issue of forgiveness is a very difficult one for the victim of a narcissist. I’ve posted in the past on the dangers of sympathizing with your abuser. I’ve also posted the case for not pressuring yourself to forgive him or her. I want to emphasize yet again that in the early stages of narc abuse recovery–and even the not-so-early stages–forcing yourself to forgive can be detrimental.
That said, many narc victims do eventually find themselves making a sort of peace with their abusers. Before you balk at this (and if you do I totally sympathize), let me explain what I mean by this as best I can.
Let’s begin by looking at the example of Jesus (a pretty good idea when you’re talking about forgiveness). The fact that this innocent man was sentenced to a brutal death by crucifixion, at the hands of power-hungry men and a fickle crowd of ex-enthusiasts, definitely puts him in the category of someone who suffered abuse. When Jesus elected to forgive his abusers, it was not because he somehow found their behavior understandable or excusable. It was solely because of his nature: he was a being of utter love and goodness. For this reason, and not because his abusers deserved it, he had no desire to see them suffer no matter how much they deserved it. He could still see them as children of God with the potential for unity with God.
Jesus forgave because of the person he was, not because of anything about the unrepentant, evil people who tormented and killed him. And that, I believe, is the key to the narc victim’s situation as well.
Narcissists spend their lives flinging goodness away from them with both hands. Given the choice of being kind and giving or cruel and self-serving, they choose the latter every time. In the process they cause pain and do harm throughout their lives. They never come to a point of repentance, so hardened are their hearts. You can pretty much picture them standing in front of the gates to heaven and hell, and making a happy beeline for hell.
To expect anyone to forgive such people because of sympathy or compassion is absurd. Good people should be horrified in their presence and wish they could be removed from the earth so they didn’t hurt anyone else. Good people will not forget the pain they experienced at the hands of a narcissist…they will simply hope that the narc’s evil doings can be ended as soon as possible.
So being “understanding” or “letting bygones be bygones” is not the forgiveness you should feel for your narc, now or at any point. Nevertheless, I believe a true form of forgiveness is possible and beneficial.
There’s a saying that if you spend too much time fighting monsters, you become one yourself. And if you put too much of your energy and thought into thinking of ways you hope your abuser will suffer, that only brings suffering to you.
There’s a time for that, especially early in your recovery when you are just realizing you are a victim and the person you trusted and surrendered to is evil and heartless. You’ve got a lot of suppressed rage to get out and it’s not unhealthy to imagine revenge at this stage…and the stage can be pretty long.
But eventually, when you are healed and have moved on to living your own life and relegating your narcissist to your past, you may reach a new place. This is the time when you have enough strength to return to your natural, fully loving, goodhearted self. You are a person who never likes to cause pain, who wants others to be happy. Wishing evil on another person isn’t something you enjoy at all.
Not even where your narc abuser is concerned. This is the time when you can consider this terrible person and their awful life and say, “If there’s a hell I have no wish for you to go there. Instead I wish you could somehow be the being you were meant to be, the real person you should have been, before you derailed your life into the disaster it became.”
This doesn’t get your abuser “off the hook.” It doesn’t minimize his or her crimes or fail to do justice to your suffering. What it does is let you express your loving, good, positive nature and leave you not at odds with any other living creature.
I seem to be at this point towards both my ex-husband, and with my father, who is still living. And it really does feel much better than when I was enraged and full of hate, although I don’t in the least regret that period which was so necessary and helpful. I can’t really tell you how to get to this point, and I doubt it’s the same process for any two people anyway. But I do believe you’ll get there in your own time. Don’t rush it, don’t push it…just keep being compassionate toward yourself and it will come to you when you’re ready.
Does this mean I plan to attempt to reconcile with my dad? Absolutely not. I also believe that when a narc is involved, reconciliation is simply not possible.
Nevertheless, I am able to say that while I still wish his departure from the world would happen as soon as possible–because I know every day he spends here is another day he hurts someone–I also hope it is painless and somehow peaceful in the end. And the other thing I hope for and believe is that my own life can transmute the bad acts of these two narcissists into good things.
Yours can too.
Can they change vs. will they change
- At October 15, 2015
- By Lucy Rising
- In Uncategorized
13
You may be aware from Lucy Rising that I have much respect and admiration for Deepak Chopra. For this reason I have long considered asking him for his take on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Well, three days ago he addressed this very issue on his Facebook page, in response to a person who asked almost exactly what I would have done. The query was:
I understand it is true (however rare) there are some people born with without the ability to love and empathize (extreme narcissism, psychopathy).. My question.: 1. Do you believe there is evil? 2. Do you believe there is such a thing as an evil soul? 3. How would you explain these rare psychopathic individuals on a spiritual level?
And here is Deepak’s answer:
There are pathological destructive mental states and behavior that presents itself as evil activity, but I do not believe there is an existing something that is itself evil. Individuals who display such mental behavior are not intrinsically bad or evil, they have habitualized maladaptive social behaviors in a misguided attempt to achieve their goals. They will eventually abandon this strategy when they come to realize the attaining their objectives does not really bring the inner fulfillment they seek.
As you might guess, I was not completely satisfied with this reply. And I appreciated the fact that a number of articulate, well-informed people commented on this post with good information about narcissism and its resistance to healing.
I myself insist that, with the exception so rare it can virtually be ignored, NPD is incurable. In other words, a narcissist cannot change. But now I think it might be helpful to clarify that statement by looking at the dichotomy cannot change vs. will not change.
There’s an inherent danger using the phrase “will not change” when discussing a narc, which is why I instead generally choose “cannot change.” “Will not” implies that free will is in play, and the person is choosing to do what he’s made up his mind to do…therefore if someone changed his mind, he might take another course of action and recover from NPD.
Of course, with humans (IMHO) free will is always in play. We always have a choice. But read on and I will explain why in the case of a narc, “will not change” means something immutable and permanent…the equivalent of “cannot change.”
Think of a time you changed your mind. Why did it happen? Undoubtedly because new information came along, new facts were introduced, there was input that convinced you that you were wrong and should believe something different.
Victims of narcissists know this is how it works in their own minds and hearts. Therefore they feel sure that if they only supply the right input, the compelling argument, the convincing facts, their narc will consider these new revelations and be convinced there’s a better way.
In fact, this approach absolutely will never work. Why? Because of the nature of NPD. Narcissists have an almost lifelong, permanently ingrained conviction that the only person they will trust is themselves. The only person whose well-being matters is themselves, and they care exclusively about that well-being, so this makes their opinions superior to anyone else’s. Nothing anyone else does or says means anything to them concerning the truth. (They explains why they are so good at revising the truth in their own minds.)
A narcissist’s ego–by that term I mean the part of his psyche driven to protect his own interests at all costs–is his tyrannical master. And the unfortunate side-effect of being unwilling to share the reigns with anyone else is that you become blind and deaf to all positive external influences life offers you.
Can a narcissist change? The answer is yes if all that question asks is if there are ways for ego-driven, selfish people to become kinder and happier. Rehabilitation happens every day, from Ebenezer Scrooge to the incarcerated criminal who turns his life around.
The problem is, every aspect of the narcissistic personality is focused with utter determination on fending off any of the means by which he might heal.
A narcissist is like this: A man has a plate full of food in front of him, and he is starving. However, he is so certain someone has poisoned the food that he refuses to eat. One by one, people come to him to talk him into trying the food. Each person who insists the food is fine to eat seems to the man like a liar, just another conspirator in the plan to murder him. Some people come and taste the food to prove it’s safe, but the man only replies that they must have taken an antidote to the poison before eating, and he drives them away.
Meanwhile, the man is so unwilling to accept he might actually starve to death that he convinces himself he doesn’t need to eat to live. No–he’s better than other humans. He can draw life and energy from the sun…from the air…maybe from right inside himself! After all, there’s no one else in the world whose opinion is valid, only his. And this will be his belief now. He can live just fine without any food!
Even as he dies, the man will not consider the solution right in front of him. Could he eat? Of course. Will he? No way.
When you’re speaking of a narcissist, “won’t” means exactly the same as “can’t,” and that’s the biggest tragedy of all about NPD.
So, Deepak is right that narcissists “have habitualized maladaptive social behaviors in a misguided attempt to achieve their goals.” Where he’s mistaken, as any person with intimate experience with a narc knows (if they are honest with themselves), is believing that a narcissist would ever abandon that strategy. Sadly, that strategy has become the very essence of their being, all the while blinding them to any way out.
If you’re hurting, nature can help
- At October 01, 2015
- By Lucy Rising
- In Uncategorized
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It’s the first day of my favorite month of the year, the month when nature really cranks its beauty up a notch (at least here in the Midwest of the U.S.!). The weather is great for hikes, and even looking out the window is a treat.
What does this have to do with recovery from narcissistic abuse? Well, it’s a scientific fact that being out in nature provides numerous physical and psychological benefits. A nature walk will ground you. It will speed up and ease the processing of negative emotions. It will counteract depression.
I know that when you’re feeling hurt, angry, or sad, it can really immobilize you. But I challenge you, the next time you’re struggling with these emotions, take yourself firmly by the hand and get outside. Walk in the woods, sit under a tree, visit a flower garden, go to the beach. Set aside your troubles and observe. Feel the air, touch the grass, smell the flowers and the soil, listen to the wind and the birds. See if you don’t feel better. And then remember that it worked!
If the weather is cold, bundle up and play in the snow. If it’s raining, take an umbrella. If you live in an urban jungle, visit a flower shop or the floral department in your supermarket, or even look at photos of nature.
I’m not sure how this works, but for some reason any bad mood or dark hour can be eased with some time spent in the care of Mother Nature. And what better time than fall?