Mod 7: Concepts for healing


In the course of the previous six Mods we’ve covered an awful lot of ground. Integrating everything you’ve learned is going to take time and practice. Meanwhile, your psyche isn’t going to get over the abuse overnight no matter how dedicated you are to putting all you’ve learned into practice.

So here’s my Number One Suggestion for you right now:

Have patience with yourself

You may remember at the very beginning of the Lucy Rising Program, I said this:

The crucial things NOT to bring are any specific expectations or demands concerning the emotional results of the program. For example, don’t plan on feeling 100% better by the time you’ve completed it. Don’t look for a particular result like feeling calmer, sleeping better, no longer missing your narc, feeling “back to normal,” etc.

Well, I’m going to say the same thing now that we’re at the end. Does that mean I don’t believe the Lucy Rising Program helps? Absolutely not! What it means is that it’s very important for you to let your healing happen in the way it’s going to happen.

You have control over the information you know, and how you apply that information. You have choices in each new moment as to how you will view and interpret the meaning of your reality. You have tools to deal with your emotions, and you have techniques for living more happily. But your individual psyche will have its own personal timetable for how much time it needs to process all this. It’s absolutely okay to wait for that to run its course.

I know how hard it is to cope with the emotional turmoil that results from narcissistic abuse. I myself have had plenty of those “Am I ever going to feel better?” moments. No one want this pain to last a hour longer than it has to—I get that completely. But sometimes you just have to say to yourself, “This hurts now and it hurts bad, but the day is coming when I’ll never hurt like this again.”

I can 100% guarantee you that statement is true.

And if you find it hard to be patient, be patient with that too. I don’t think there’s anything more difficult than being patient!

Believe in your happy future

This idea may seem to run contrary to what we learned about living in the now, but it’s really not. Part of NOW is your planning what you will do next, and your holding to the belief that you will achieve the goal of making a happy life for yourself. So do indeed envision and believe in that future.

My narc dad, for all his faults, taught me one thing that I’ve always held among my favorite adages: “Never commit suicide when you’re depressed.” What that statement means is, when you’re sad, hurting, or depressed, everything looks bleak. Your emotional state really alters your perceptions and makes it hard to see anything good. Sometimes the best thing to do is wait for the feelings to pass, or do something for yourself you know will comfort or cheer you. Don’t make any judgments or decisions about anything when you’re feeling low.

You probably have a memory of a time when you were terribly sad in your youth. Maybe it was a situation of childhood bullying, or an early breakup with a boyfriend. At the time you were in despair and felt like you’d never be happy again. But now you can look back and see that the occasion passed, and other very wonderful things came along.

Believe it or not, that’s exactly the way you’ll look back on your narcissistic abuse someday. Your circumstances and emotions will be very different. You’ll be way beyond the pain, in a happy and healthy place. That reality is where you’re headed, sweetie. Believe it!

Keep practicing

It wouldn’t hurt a bit to revisit this website from time to time, rereading material, remembering the exercises, and certainly I hope redoing the meditations. One day soon I’m sure you’ll fly free and away like a fledgling from the nest, but in the meantime, the site is here. You can always follow the blog and check in at the Resources, where there will be regular updates.

Speaking of  the Resources, that’s a great page to visit for ideas for other sites to read, blogs to follow, and books to buy or get from your library. Only you know the subjects we’ve covered that you most want to explore in more depth…so go for it!

Nurture your whole person

I want to emphasize that besides just working on your recovery, there are lots of ways you can nurture your whole self and keep physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy going forward. The world is overrun with people ready to advise you how to achieve those things, and my opinions on the subject are nothing special. But since you are at this moment my captive audience, I will be so bold as to share my list of suggestions, in no particular order:

  1. Get at least 7½ hours of sleep at night, with the rare exception.
  2. Go for regular walks, especially in nature.
  3. Don’t sit for more than an hour without moving around.
  4. Find a type of exercise you enjoy and do it regularly in a way that works for you—having it be something you’re willing to do a few times a week is more important than it being strenuous or taxing.
  5. Drink plenty of water, eat as much “real” (non-processed) food as possible, and maintain a healthy weight (but don’t obsess!).
  6. Don’t smoke, drink in moderation or not at all, don’t over-caffeinate, and avoid recreational drugs.
  7. Find a physician you’re comfortable with who is more interested in holistic health than quick fixes through medication.
  8. Make sure you laugh and play as much as you possibly can.
  9. Spend time with people who make you happy, and avoid those who don’t.
  10. Make sure your work/life balance is good; keep your work hours down as much as you can to reasonable levels.
  11. Don’t commit so much energy to helping others that you begin to suffer for it.
  12. Have a ready source of affection if at all possible, and pets definitely count!
  13. Find a way regularly to exercise your spirituality even if you don’t belong to a particular faith.
  14. Be mindful (and meditate too I hope!).
  15. Don’t pick on yourself if you forget to be mindful (or meditate).
  16. Put effort every day into loving yourself and having compassion for yourself.

Listen to your body

I know you can have all the best intentions, and resolve to follow my 16 suggestions as well as a boatload of ideas from other sources. But in real life it’s easy to get distracted, lose discipline, and forget your goals. That’s okay—it’s a normal part of being human.

Here’s a tip for making sure you haven’t drifted too far afield from the healthy living you want to maintain: listen to your body. Pause on a regular basis to reflect on how you’re feeling. This can be a great time to do a body scan meditation, too.

Ask yourself questions like these:

  1. Am I ill at ease or anxious?
  2. Am I fatigued, hungry, or thirsty?
  3. Am I in any sort of pain or discomfort?
  4. What is my gut trying to say to me right now?
  5. Does something just not feel quite right?

It’s amazing how we can barrel along through life ignoring the simple physical cues that could advise us what we need to be doing right now. If your body is sending you signals, hear them and heed them! Eat a good meal, take a nap. Get some fresh air or some exercise. Consider cancelling a commitment or two. Decide to avoid a person who is affecting you negatively, or choose to address the matter with them directly. See a doctor, or a therapist, or call a friend. Think about how you might look at things differently or change your behavior. Check back here and do a search on your issue, to review what you learned.

Don’t shove your body’s messages under the rug—acknowledge and respond to them. You may not be able to stick to your “healthy living list” perfectly, but this is a good way to make sure you don’t drift too far afield.

Lastly, I’ll say this:  I trust you to find your own individual way to live your life in the healthiest way possible. Stay the course, my friends, and I know you will find your life becoming a better and better place in which to live.

On to the Exercises, where I’ll give you a few specific ideas on putting this good stuff into practice….

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