When a narcissist calls you a narcissist

I don’t have statistics to prove it, but my experience has shown me that it’s more common for narcissists to use that label on their victims and others, than the realistically accurate other-way-round. I just saw it again yesterday in the comments on a Facebook post about narcissism. A narc victim standing up for herself was told she was a narcissist.

So if some narc has ever said to you:

“Stop being so selfish!”
“Oh, so it’s all about you, isn’t it?”
“You only think of yourself!”

you are far from alone. It’s happened to me and odds are it’s happened to just about everyone who struggles with narc abuse.

77141-67838Why does this very ironic thing happen? How can it be that while you struggle daily with trying to know whose fault is whose, your abuser is so absolutely certain that you’re the self-centered one in the relationship?

Every narcissist is in firm denial of any faults in himself. He never feels shame or regret. He’s 100% certain that his wants supersede everyone else’s, and if others obstruct his satisfaction in some way, they are the ones at fault.

Consequently, that little tool called “projection” is a key weapon in the narc’s arsenal. One of his main arguments in any conflict boils down to the schoolyard “I know you are, but what am I?” approach. He picks up on your accusations before you even muster the courage to articulate them. Then before you can say, “But you’re being selfish,” he’s already pointing the accusation at you. Anything you could justly accuse him of, he has already decided is a crime committed by you instead.

imagesMy ex husband’s favorite phrase in an argument, and one which made me sad, angry, and disgusted all at once, was a sarcastic “Well, pardon me for living.” He could bypass all logic, fact, and reasoning with that remark. Without going into any detail or making any real case, he insinuated that I was being so ridiculous as to resent something as innocent as breathing.

Is this kind of thing maddening? Oh yes it is! It’s not fighting fair. It’s shutting down any possibility of compromise or progress or change. Not only that, it hurts. On top of your original problem with the narcissist, you have now been charged and convicted of being a selfish, irrational, difficult person.

This whole problem is just another classic example of why it’s impossible to make a relationship with a narcissist work, and why attempts to correct or improve a narc always fail. You cannot make any headway at all, and you will only get hurt in the attempt.

It will always sting when your abuser accuses you of being a bad person, even when you recognize their opinion is worthless. So when this happens to you, don’t fall into the trap of fighting back. Ignore the remark as best you can, and turn to self-compassion for comfort, encouragement, and a more clear and realistic view of who you are. (For more on self-compassion, see the Mod 3 Concepts for Healing of the Lucy Rising Program.)

And remember–we both know who the narcissist is.

A workable way to forgive

As I’ve discussed before at some length, the issue of forgiveness is a very difficult one for the victim of a narcissist. I’ve posted in the past on the dangers of sympathizing with your abuser. I’ve also posted the case for not pressuring yourself to forgive him or her. I want to emphasize yet again that in the early stages of narc abuse recovery–and even the not-so-early stages–forcing yourself to forgive can be detrimental.

forgiveness-332x263That said, many narc victims do eventually find themselves making a sort of peace with their abusers. Before you balk at this (and if you do I totally sympathize), let me explain what I mean by this as best I can.

Let’s begin by looking at the example of Jesus (a pretty good idea when you’re talking about forgiveness). The fact that this innocent man was sentenced to a brutal death by crucifixion, at the hands of power-hungry men and a fickle crowd of ex-enthusiasts, definitely puts him in the category of someone who suffered abuse. When Jesus elected to forgive his abusers, it was not because he somehow found their behavior understandable or excusable. It was solely because of his nature: he was a being of utter love and goodness. For this reason, and not because his abusers deserved it, he had no desire to see them suffer no matter how much they deserved it. He could still see them as children of God with the potential for unity with God.

Jesus forgave because of the person he was, not because of anything about the unrepentant, evil people who tormented and killed him. And that, I believe, is the key to the narc victim’s situation as well.

poster-forgiveness-excuse-destroyNarcissists spend their lives flinging goodness away from them with both hands. Given the choice of being kind and giving or cruel and self-serving, they choose the latter every time. In the process they cause pain and do harm throughout their lives. They never come to a point of repentance, so hardened are their hearts. You can pretty much picture them standing in front of the gates to heaven and hell, and making a happy beeline for hell.

To expect anyone to forgive such people because of sympathy or compassion is absurd. Good people should be horrified in their presence and wish they could be removed from the earth so they didn’t hurt anyone else. Good people will not forget the pain they experienced at the hands of a narcissist…they will simply hope that the narc’s evil doings can be ended as soon as possible.

So being “understanding” or “letting bygones be bygones” is not the forgiveness you should feel for your narc, now or at any point. Nevertheless, I believe a true form of forgiveness is possible and beneficial.

There’s a saying that if you spend too much time fighting monsters, you become one yourself. And if you put too much of your energy and thought into thinking of ways you hope your abuser will suffer, that only brings suffering to you.

There’s a time for that, especially early in your recovery when you are just realizing you are a victim and the person you trusted and surrendered to is evil and heartless. You’ve got a lot of suppressed rage to get out and it’s not unhealthy to imagine revenge at this stage…and the stage can be pretty long.

But eventually, when you are healed and have moved on to living your own life and relegating your narcissist to your past, you may reach a new place. This is the time when you have enough strength to return to your natural, fully loving, goodhearted self. You are a person who never likes to cause pain, who wants others to be happy. Wishing evil on another person isn’t something you enjoy at all.

Not even where your narc abuser is concerned. This is the time when you can consider this terrible person and their awful life and say, “If there’s a hell I have no wish for you to go there. Instead I wish you could somehow be the being you were meant to be, the real person you should have been, before you derailed your life into the disaster it became.”

This doesn’t get your abuser “off the hook.” It doesn’t minimize his or her crimes or fail to do justice to your suffering. What it does is let you express your loving, good, positive nature and leave you not at odds with any other living creature.

I seem to be at this point towards both my ex-husband, and with my father, who is still living. And it really does feel much better than when I was enraged and full of hate, although I don’t in the least regret that period which was so necessary and helpful. I can’t really tell you how to get to this point, and I doubt it’s the same process for any two people anyway. But I do believe you’ll get there in your own time. Don’t rush it, don’t push it…just keep being compassionate toward yourself and it will come to you when you’re ready.

Does this mean I plan to attempt to reconcile with my dad? Absolutely not. I also believe that when a narc is involved, reconciliation is simply not possible.

Nevertheless, I am able to say that while I still wish his departure from the world would happen as soon as possible–because I know every day he spends here is another day he hurts someone–I also hope it is painless and somehow peaceful in the end. And the other thing I hope for and believe is that my own life can transmute the bad acts of these two narcissists into good things.

Yours can too.

Help for when you’re freaking out

Everyone has times when they feel negative emotions that evade rational confrontation. By that I mean, those feelings of anxiety, fear, guilt, sadness, etc. for which you can’t pinpoint a specific cause. In other words, emotions you can’t seem to talk yourself out of.

Emotions are funny things–they can be caused by stimuli we barely notice, and without our even seeing the trigger, they can become very uncomfortable and even traumatic. That trigger might be an event that really does relate to your abuse, like a memory, a conversation, or an unpleasant experience. But it could also be something unrelated to narcissistic abuse, like lack of sleep, hormones, hunger, over-stimulation, job stress, etc.

Whatever set off the feeling, it can send you reeling emotionally in a whirl of confusion. And if you try to figure out what’s going on and can’t, you also feel lost and powerless. You want an answer, a fix for what’s bugging you, but how do you find it?

The thing is, you may not need to find it at all.

What sometimes helps far more than anything else is simply grounding yourself. Now I agree that “grounding yourself” is a term that is tossed around so vaguely that sometimes it’s meaningless. But I’m going to tell you exactly what I mean and how to do it.

bodyscanA proven way which has helped literally millions of people around the world is the Body Scan Meditation, developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn for his renowned Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction program (MBSR). This exercise has been used to relieve everything from panic attacks to chronic pain.

Simply put, in the Body Scan, you relax in a quiet, safe space, and systematically put your attention in all the areas of your body, observing what is going on without judgment or resistance. In the process, your attention is drawn to the present time and place and away from imagined concerns. You get out of your own head, literally. You feel physically more in control, and you observe how your body is doing okay and not actually threatened.

Whether you perform a full half-hour Body Scan in a private room, or even a three-minute one while in a public place, the results can be amazing. You can start by trying a guided Body Scan–try the 11-minute one provided in the Lucy Rising Program HERE. Full instructions are provided on the page. Once you’ve done the scan a few times, you will have it in your arsenal to do anytime you need it, even on your own.

If you’ve had good results with doing the Body Scan Mediation, please share in the comments!

Four ways to deal with your Inner Critic

If you’ve experienced extensive abuse by a narcissist, particularly if you were raised by one like I was, I can pretty much guarantee you have an unwelcome negative voice in your head–an Inner Critic. The problem with this voice isn’t only that it’s negative. The associated challenge is that the Inner Critic is so good at sounding like it’s your true self…in other words, that your conscience is agreeing with the criticism you’re hearing.

So how do you get out from under this influence that is so hard to silence, and so hell-bent on criticizing your every move?  Here are a few suggestions:

Inner-Critic1. When you experience outside criticism, check to see if it’s being echoed/amplified by your Inner Critic. 

At the very beginning of this critical experience, your logical, rational mind may well believe that you are not actually guilty of those things of which you are being accused. But meanwhile, the Inner Critic is nodding in agreement about the criticism, and prompting a feeling of concern that your accuser is actually right.

It can be really hard to discern whether what you’re feeling is false guilt urged upon you by the Inner Critic, or a pang of conscience. But simply entertaining the idea that your own narc-trained mind is making the situation worse for you can illuminate the Inner Critic at work.

2. Consider the source.

Take a good look at who exactly is accusing you of this deed or fault. Are they truly someone you respect and trust? Or are they someone who in some way resembles your narcissistic abuser? (Or if it actually is your abuser?) A selfish, insensitive person’s criticism will feel similar to that of your narc. And your mind has been trained to heed that kind of criticism and will do so unconsciously without you even realizing what’s happening.

If this is the sort of person who is criticizing you, it’s time to ratchet way down how much you are inclined to believe them. If it’s too hard to shrug off the sense of guilt or shame you’re feeling, consider sharing the situation with someone you do trust and respect. Find out their take on it and see if that doesn’t help shut up your Inner Critic.

3. Embrace the fact that no one is perfect.

Even if you’re absolutely convinced there’s a bit of validity to the criticism, keep in mind that narc abuse may have made your standards for yourself way too high–namely, perfection. Abuse trained you to be hypervigilant about your behavior, to fear committing even the slightest infraction because it could prompt punishment.

People with healthier relationship experience are not like you in this way. They recognize that by being human they are likely to slip up once in awhile, and making such a mistake is not Undeniable Proof You’re a Bad Person. If the criticism is feeling to you like a sentence of criminal behavior, odds are it’s because your Inner Critic believes it is. Step back and recognize even very, very good moral people–even the Dalai Lama and Mother Theresa–have blown it once in awhile. Everyone does, so why should you feel worthy of the gallows?

4. Give yourself a little love-bombing.

If you have determined that indeed, this criticism was invalid or severely exaggerated by your Inner Critic being in cahoots with your outside critic, now would be a great time to squelch the I.C. with some self-compassion.

Think about the good things you have done lately–really think about them. Reflect on the little kindnesses to strangers, the hard work, the support you’ve given loved ones, the fun you’ve shared with friends. Give yourself some credit…I’m betting that’s not something you usually remember to do. Recognize the special gifts and qualities that are uniquely yours that make the world a better place. Be grateful for the person you were born to be and the part you play in the universe.

You will be amazed just how often it is your narc-induced Inner Critic that is really bugging you, and how much you can actually tone down that nasty voice if you apply awareness. So the next time someone is making you feel guilty or ashamed, check right away to see–are you hearing one critical voice…or two?

When your narcissist threatens to commit suicide

Suicide is obviously no trivial matter, and when you hear someone say they are thinking about it, you are right to be concerned. But what about a narcissist? We’ve talked about how narcs lie, how they love only themselves, how they use sympathy to keep their victims attached to them. So what should you do if your narc says he’s contemplating suicide? Of course you fear if he goes through with it and you didn’t help, you fear you’ll never get over the guilt.

With this question I’m going to fall back on a basic principle I hold when it comes to abusers and their victims. As the victim of abuse by your narcissist, you should never feel they are your responsibility. You are the one person who is most certainly exempt from that. I will explain this further below.

Let’s elaborate by looking at the two scenarios in which this might occur.

SCENARIO 1 – You’re still with your narcissist but thinking about breaking with him/her

In this case, either the narc is faking his suicidal state of mind or he really is thinking about doing himself in. It is possible for narcissists to kill themselves (two of them in my own family did so). But if you are still with your narc, that means he still believes he has a source of supply. In both the cases I know personally, the narcs in question were experiencing serious declines in their attractiveness and unhappy about the prospects of their ongoing power over others. Narcissists do not like getting old, losing their charisma, or losing control over their circumstances. Unless the problem is that your narc is convinced he’s going to have no one to abuse in the future, my theory is that he probably isn’t sincere.

what-should-i-doOn the other hand, the threat of suicide is a dandy tool to get attention and sympathy, and especially if he suspects you are drifting away from him, he could very well use it on you. After all, who is going to find the strength to desert someone they love when that person is actually self-destructive? He knows you’re not that heartless…that’s what he’s counting on.

This is what makes a fake suicide threat such a low and nasty act.

SCENARIO 2 – You’ve split with your narcissist

In this case, the narc is most likely trying to get you back and/or reassert control over you. If he still wants to fight to retain you as his source of supply, this is a pretty powerful trick to play.

But what if he really is devastated at having lost his source and truly has lost the will to live? I alluded above to that possibility, didn’t I? This puts you in a very cruel spot as of course if he goes through with it, you have to deal with the guilt. So surely you ought to do something, right?

In both these scenarios, you are stuck between yielding to the narc and possibly feeling like his death is on your hands. I won’t be flippant: this is a tough spot to be in. The key to responding is this: you can treat the threat seriously without letting it affect your own actions and choices.

I recommend you simply provide the narcissist with a suicide hotline number in your area or the national number, 800- 273-8255. If you are still with him, tell him that this is something only he can deal with, and best with the help of a professional, as you are not equipped to do it yourself. If you are separated, to ease your conscience you can email or text him the hotline number, and tell him simply, “I can’t help you with this. Please call.”

Do not let the suicide threat affect you. When a narc tells his victim he might kill himself, he is trying in some form or fashion to influence you. Don’t flatter yourself that he came to you because he loves and needs you–those things are not in a narc’s emotional vocabulary as we well know. And you are the last person who should be expected to help him with his problems…he lost that right when he chose over and over again to abuse you. You have one duty in this, and that is to recover from his abuse and not let it happen again, at his hands or anyone else’s.

Think about it this way: the narcissist is setting things up so that if you don’t give in to him, he will kill himself. That’s emotional blackmail. You should not be expected to trade your chance at an abuse-free life just to keep your abuser alive. If he doesn’t have the desire to go on without having someone to torture, then that responsibility is his own, and certainly not his victim’s.

Is there anything I can do to reduce the freaking out caused by my narcissist?

One thing about life with a narcissist, or life when recovering from a narcissist…it’s subject to freakouts.

There are a many different sorts of experiences that can trigger a freakout. No doubt some of these examples will strike you as familiar:

  • sudden, unexpected explosive behavior by the narcissist
  • a shocking realization or discovery of something terrible the narc has done
  • seeing a text, email or caller ID indicating the narc is trying to contact you
  • a reminder or memory of an encounter or experience with the narc, positive or negative
  • your own mind suggesting you are in trouble, in danger, or about to be mistreated by the narc

Meanwhile, there are all kinds of freakouts that can strike you, including, but sadly not limited to:

  • bouts of dizzying confusion
  • waves of crippling terror
  • the grip of anxiety seizing your stomach
  • sinking guilt
  • shame that makes you want to hide in a closet
  • mind-numbing grief and hopelessness

I call these things “freakouts” because they come upon you without warning, blindsiding you and knocking you down before you even have a chance to put up any defenses. You barely recognize what’s happening before you are already in the grip of terrible emotions, losing control and powerless to fight.

Or are you really totally powerless?

It may seem that way, when the emotions are upon you. But there is a tool you can try, to take back some of the power. It’s a little exercise called STOP. It’s a technique associated with the scientifically-proven Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction program.

Here’s what you do:

STOP — Pause your thinking, and whatever you’re doing, for just a second.

TAKE a few deep breaths — Before you resume anything, breathe. Don’t think about what’s happening to you, or how you’re feeling, or what you’re thinking. Those things can wait the few seconds that this step will take. Focus only on your breathing and how it feels.

OBSERVE what is happening — Now you can ask yourself, what exactly are you feeling and thinking? Give it a name: fear, guilt, confusion, anger, panic, whatever it is. Don’t try to force it away, don’t judge it, just look at it with gentle curiosity so you can identify it.

PROCEED — Carry on with the moment.

You’ll be surprised how often doing this enables you to create a space, a break in the cycle between thoughts and feelings. How does that cycle work?

1-Trigger occurs –> 2-Painful emotional response –> 3-Negative thoughts –> 4-Thoughts create a negative narrative –> 5-You believe that narrative –> 1-The narrative triggers another emotional response –> etc.

But the STOP exercise breaks the chain between steps 2 and 3. And in doing so, it keeps the pain from escalating into a freakout. It can even create enough of a wedge that the pain is diminished, especially if you insert more positive thinking at step 3.

For example:  You see a text has come through on your phone from your narc. Your instantaneous response is to feel a wave of panic and dread fill your belly. Without STOP, the next step will likely be something like you think, “Oh god–he’s going to yell at me, he’s going to make me cry, what did I do? Why can’t he just leave me alone, I can’t take this, it’s going to kill me!” You listen to yourself create a scene in which he’s mean, you cry, you feel helpless, you have a breakdown. Looking at that scene upsets you even more. By the time you look at the text, you are in full freakout mode and it doesn’t even matter what the text turns out to be.

With STOP, you feel the wave of panic and dread. You pause, take a deep breath, and think about how that breath feels filling your lungs, how the air feels coming into your nose, then you exhale and notice how that is, and you repeat that a few times. Then you turn your attention to your body. You acknowledge the fear in your gut. You think, “Well, that’s natural, I don’t know what this text will say, and based on experience, I fear it will be abusive.” You extend a little tenderness to yourself, understanding you’ve been a victim and it’s natural to have fear. Then you think about what the text really is and isn’t: It’s a digital message you can do with as you see fit, it’s not a man with a club threatening your life. You recognize that you have the wherewithal to do what you need to do after reading the text.

It may amaze you how that pause, that reflection on your breathing, is actually enough to help you react completely differently to the very same stimuli than you would without practicing STOP. It really can make the difference between a freakout and a completely tolerable reaction.

Next time you’re hit with one of those nasty triggers that are part of the life of a narc’s victim, give STOP a try.

How can I reduce the pain my narcissist is causing me?

Whether you are still with your narc, have broken away but still have contact, or have successfully gone no contact, chances are you’re still experiencing pain from the relationship.

There are reminders of the happy marriage, family, or childhood you wish you could have had, but now know will never be yours. There is guilt over what you feel you should have done. There is hurt from whatever punishment your narc is inflicting on you today, and anxiety about what he may do tomorrow. There is loneliness if no one seems to understand…and even loneliness for the parent or partner you convinced yourself you had in spite of his or her cruelties.

It’s natural and normal to experience all these things, and you should never feel ashamed or guilty for your suffering. Remember, you are the victim and never chose a life that included such pain. You also shouldn’t stifle natural emotions…that will lead to other problems like PTSD. It’s important to recognize what you’re feeling, give it a name, and acknowledge it.

However, you don’t have to let suffering be your master or define who you are.

Here is a very important principle that I completely believe in:

That which you pay attention to grows.

If your narc does something cruel, and you focus on it the rest of the day, it will dominate your thoughts and feelings. If you let yourself feel the sting, acknowledge that it is normal and understandable, then let it go and focus on something positive, you can make that cruelty smaller.

If you spend all day Facebook stalking your ex, fueling your anger and resentment, you will have a day full of anger and resentment. If you block him or unfriend him, and instead use the time to pamper yourself, enjoy a good book, spend some time helping a friend, or some other positive activity, you will have a day that includes some happiness.

Of course it’s important to keep in mind always that you are the victim of a narcissist, and are dealing with the issues that come with that. It can be very helpful to talk about those issues with nurturing people, or to read about them, or to do some journaling about your feelings. But it’s even more important to start changing your identity from “the victim of my narc” to “ME.” Rekindle old interests, take up a new hobby that has always appealed to you, spend quality time with loved ones, make plans for your new future.

Put your attention on yourself, who you are, what you enjoy, whom you love. Make those things as big as you can, for you have a lot of control over how big they are. Your focus and attention is a wonderful tool, and now is the time to start using them to make your life easier.

Should I have sympathy for my narcissist?

Decent people care about individuals who are afflicted with mental health issues. They even feel compassion for regular people who just seem to have less than desirable personalities. Every one of us faces challenges in life, including poor parenting, bad luck, and struggles with being who we want to be, and you can always find understandable reasons why people are flawed.

Every narcissist has his own problems and his own story too, including the fact that he has a personality disorder that is absolutely untreatable. Shouldn’t people feel bad for narcissists? Shouldn’t you maintain some sympathy for your narc’s lot in life?

The answer to the first question is a qualified yes. The answer to the second is an unequivocal no.

In the abstract, indeed we should be sad that some of our species lack the key elements of decency that, essentially, are what make us human beings. Whether they are the victims of their own circumstances or they deliberately chose to cast aside their humanity (and I personally believe it’s the latter), it’s a sorry state of affairs. It’s a fate no one would wish on her worst enemy. When people feel bad for narcissists it’s because those people are caring individuals who natural feel empathy…and it’s never a bad thing to be generous of spirit.

However, it’s important to keep in mind that there are lots of people in the world who were dealt a bad hand, who suffered at the hands of cruel parents or a harsh world, but did not become narcissists. Each of us is personally responsible for our choices, and somewhere along the line every narc chose to harden his heart toward the rest of his species. Ultimately that’s on him.

And the last people on the planet who should feel sorry for the narcissist are his victims. This is because to do so is to play into the dysfunctional and destructive co-dependent relationship that is classic between narc and victim. He chose you for his source of narcissistic supply because of your empathy. He picked up on your warm and sympathetic nature, your tendency to always put the needs of others before your own, and your bottomless well of forgiveness. He zoned in on you like a vicious predator picks out the weakest animal in the herd.

And to top it off, the narc is a pro at garnering sympathy. He actually feels fine, and far superior to you, underneath that “woe is me” exterior. He is a master at proving he is blameless, everything is your fault, and you owe him an apology and every other gesture of sympathy he craves. Give it to him and you are only perpetuating the dysfunction between you and the very nightmare you are trying to escape.

My narc father rejected me at age 88 because I stood up to him for the first time in my life. He told me he had no more use for me. Shortly afterwards he made a new play for sympathy, but I was cool and detached in my response. My subsequent actions made it clear I was through with indulging him and letting him abuse me. And so he dropped me utterly, like a used Kleenex rather than a daughter.

His health has declined since this event, he is no longer able to leave his nursing home, and it’s possible he can’t even walk anymore (I really don’t know). After a connection lasting 58 years, he has lost touch with his only living close relative. Sometimes I think about this situation, I put myself in his place, and I feel the terrible tragedy of it.

But I don’t let myself feel sympathy for him. His life is one of the saddest I have touched personally but I don’t permit myself to feel sad for him. I feel sad for me, who innocently suffered his abuse and never got to have a decent father like most people do, simply because he always cared more about his own twisted needs and wants.

When you’re tempted to feel sorry for your narcissist, maybe to reach out to him and see if you can offer some help, STOP. Even if he deserved that help–which is doubtful–you are not the person to give it. You are no different than the victim of rape or assault or robbery. Keep your distance, and turn your sympathy toward someone who both deserves it and needs it.

That person is YOU.

What will help me to restore the person I was before my narcissist got me?

As we discussed in the last post, victims of narcissists typically find themselves stuck in the state of mind their narcs have fashioned for them. Most suffer from poor self-esteem and a sense that they are unlovable. Most are afraid to rock the boat and risk the consequences of fighting back. Those who do undertake to separate themselves feel guilty, or like failures, or inexplicably like they won’t be happy until they are back with their narcissist. Even if they are free physically, many still obsess on what their narc is doing without them, or ways they could have saved their narc, or whether they will ever be able to recover from the post traumatic stress they are suffering.

Needless to say, all this can feel like too much to bear.

In any situation of conflict with another person, you have no control over what they do and feel, only what you do and feel. But in cases of the torment that plagues victims of narcissists, the sad and scary part is that they can feel like they have no control over what they themselves do and feel! It may seem like there is no good answer for this, at least in the short run.

But I do have one suggestion, which I base upon many scientific studies as well as personal experience. I recommend meditation. I understand the reaction that meditation is some New Age-y hocus pocus only for Buddhists and flower children, but before you reject it out of hand, consider these results of scientific studies:

 

  • 10 minutes a day of simple meditation, even by a novice, reduces stress and anxiety
  • This amount of meditation can repair damage to the nervous system caused by stress
  • Meditation increases brain activity that demonstrates positive thoughts and emotions, and reduces brain activity that demonstrates negativity
  • Meditation can lower blood pressure and boost the immune system
  • It boosts the brain’s abilities to regulate emotions and increases focus

This is a very short list of ways science has shown that meditation helps. I can’t think of anyone more in need of this kind of help than we victims of narcissists!

Please know that meditation is not, at least not necessarily, a religious activity, and no particular viewpoint of God or the soul is required. It works for atheists, born-again Christians, and yes, Buddhists alike.

Meditation comes in many varieties and styles but the essentials make for a very short list:

  1. In a quiet, private place, sit comfortably with your eyes closed.
  2. Breathe deeply and a bit slowly, and relax.
  3. Start focusing on your breath, on the feeling of it as it happens. Or, instead focus on a mantra (a word or short group of words). Or, listen to the directions of a guided meditation.
  4. Think only about what you are focusing on: the breath or your mantra. Clear your mind of everything else.
  5. If your mind drifts to physical sensations, feelings, or thoughts (and it will!), don’t worry or judge, just once again gently return to your focus.
  6. Continue to do this for the time you have chosen. Then open your eyes, stretch, let yourself come back to the world surrounding you.

That’s all there is to it, really. Ten minutes a day will make a difference, a real difference. It doesn’t seem logical…you’d like there would be some sort of trying, some work involved on your part, but there isn’t. Your mind does the repair work for you, all you need to do is the list above.

There are countless great sources online for more about the process, experience, and results of meditating, as well as many wonderful guided meditations (recordings you listen to). For a really simple, easy, great guided meditation to start, I recommend Tara Brach’s “Gateway to Presence” which you can find on this page. Deepak Chopra’s works are also wonderful in my opinion.

Victims of narcissists need to fight on many fronts to restore their lives to happiness: psychological, practical, emotional, legal, and social. This is just another tool in our arsenal to support and strengthen all our other efforts. In my own life, meditation and mindfulness (focusing on the here and now) made all the difference in my freeing myself of guilt, fear and anxiety when I broke with my narcissist father. I encourage you to try just a week, ten minutes a day, to see if it makes a difference for you.

Even after breaking from a narcissist, we find that in so many ways he continues to abuse us through our own minds. Getting him out of your head is harder than any other part of the fight. Meditation might be the weapon you need to start to make progress with that. I truly hope it helps!

Do I have to forgive my narcissist?

Pop psychology will always rush to tell you it’s always better to forgive. Legitimate therapists typically recommend the same. Christian preachers, Buddhist gurus, life coaches are all great proponents of forgiveness. I would agree that letting go of hate, grudges, and animosity is almost always key to being happy and at peace.

Almost always.

The exception to this rule, in my firmly held opinion, is when you are disentangling yourself from a narcissist. In the early stages of this process, I believe it is crucial to let yourself be angry, bitter, spiteful and vindictive. Why this offbeat advice? Because of the nature of the narcissist and the nature of you, his victim.

As we’ve talked about in other posts, narcs are not like the rest of humanity. They don’t feel shame or guilt for their selfish acts. When they “repent” or apologize, it’s simply a ruse to gain or maintain power. A narc is absolutely unable to sincerely ask for your forgiveness…if he mouths those sorts of words, I guarantee you he is lying. He is unable to feel for you in the first place, so why would he experience sorrow or regret over how he’s treated you? He also feels no need for your forgiveness, approval, or acceptance. He already feels he is perfect and superior to you and everyone else.

Certainly to accept an apology from a narcissistic or offer one your forgiveness is a complete sham from his side.

But what about from your side? Don’t psychologists and spiritual leaders always say forgiveness is required from you if you expect to heal?

Once again, in this case things are upside down. You have spent years–perhaps a lifetime–constantly looking for fault in yourself where your narc is concerned. You have apologized, accepted blame, make changes over and over again in an attempt to appease and please him. Even now you probably suffer from guilt and wonder if you’ve done enough, said the right things, been the person you ought to have been for him.

It is time to break this pattern. It’s time to proclaim that you are the offended party, and the blame is on the narcissist. It’s time to work on fully believing this, stopping the excuses you always make for him, recognizing that you are the victim who deserves justice and happiness. And in order to feel and realize these things, you have to release the anger, bitterness, and resentment you were trained by your narc to stifle.

You need to get mad. Write a furious letter to your narcissist (that you won’t send, because that would be pointless), saying all the things you could never say in the past. Be angry about the rotten hand you’ve been dealt, being related to or involved with someone so hurtful. Acknowledge all the bad things and allow yourself to react as a normal human being would react. All this is key to getting your brain rewired and your emotions freed from the tyranny of being in thrall to the narc.

This is a process, not an ultimate goal. Eventually you want to be able to let go of all of it, put it behind you, move on and focus on positive attitudes and emotions. But you won’t be able to get to that point without letting yourself be angry first. You can’t be empowered to live a full and free life until you break all the chains.

In the end, when all this is through, should you forgive your narcissist? Well, if there is ultimate justice, then God and/or karma will do the judging for you, and your act of forgiveness won’t affect that one way or the other. If you make a personal choice not to forgive, that is a completely valid and fair one. The best way to heal is not necessarily to forgive, but to turn away from the monstrous nature and deeds of the narcissist and focus instead on goodness, your own and others, and on the beauty and love in the world and in yourself.

Mercy is a wonderful thing all right, but as the victim of a narcissist, the person to whom you should direct your mercy is you. You deserve it…you’ve earned it. Let yourself receive it.

Copyright © Lucy Rising