Is there anything I can do to reduce the freaking out caused by my narcissist?

One thing about life with a narcissist, or life when recovering from a narcissist…it’s subject to freakouts.

There are a many different sorts of experiences that can trigger a freakout. No doubt some of these examples will strike you as familiar:

  • sudden, unexpected explosive behavior by the narcissist
  • a shocking realization or discovery of something terrible the narc has done
  • seeing a text, email or caller ID indicating the narc is trying to contact you
  • a reminder or memory of an encounter or experience with the narc, positive or negative
  • your own mind suggesting you are in trouble, in danger, or about to be mistreated by the narc

Meanwhile, there are all kinds of freakouts that can strike you, including, but sadly not limited to:

  • bouts of dizzying confusion
  • waves of crippling terror
  • the grip of anxiety seizing your stomach
  • sinking guilt
  • shame that makes you want to hide in a closet
  • mind-numbing grief and hopelessness

I call these things “freakouts” because they come upon you without warning, blindsiding you and knocking you down before you even have a chance to put up any defenses. You barely recognize what’s happening before you are already in the grip of terrible emotions, losing control and powerless to fight.

Or are you really totally powerless?

It may seem that way, when the emotions are upon you. But there is a tool you can try, to take back some of the power. It’s a little exercise called STOP. It’s a technique associated with the scientifically-proven Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction program.

Here’s what you do:

STOP — Pause your thinking, and whatever you’re doing, for just a second.

TAKE a few deep breaths — Before you resume anything, breathe. Don’t think about what’s happening to you, or how you’re feeling, or what you’re thinking. Those things can wait the few seconds that this step will take. Focus only on your breathing and how it feels.

OBSERVE what is happening — Now you can ask yourself, what exactly are you feeling and thinking? Give it a name: fear, guilt, confusion, anger, panic, whatever it is. Don’t try to force it away, don’t judge it, just look at it with gentle curiosity so you can identify it.

PROCEED — Carry on with the moment.

You’ll be surprised how often doing this enables you to create a space, a break in the cycle between thoughts and feelings. How does that cycle work?

1-Trigger occurs –> 2-Painful emotional response –> 3-Negative thoughts –> 4-Thoughts create a negative narrative –> 5-You believe that narrative –> 1-The narrative triggers another emotional response –> etc.

But the STOP exercise breaks the chain between steps 2 and 3. And in doing so, it keeps the pain from escalating into a freakout. It can even create enough of a wedge that the pain is diminished, especially if you insert more positive thinking at step 3.

For example:  You see a text has come through on your phone from your narc. Your instantaneous response is to feel a wave of panic and dread fill your belly. Without STOP, the next step will likely be something like you think, “Oh god–he’s going to yell at me, he’s going to make me cry, what did I do? Why can’t he just leave me alone, I can’t take this, it’s going to kill me!” You listen to yourself create a scene in which he’s mean, you cry, you feel helpless, you have a breakdown. Looking at that scene upsets you even more. By the time you look at the text, you are in full freakout mode and it doesn’t even matter what the text turns out to be.

With STOP, you feel the wave of panic and dread. You pause, take a deep breath, and think about how that breath feels filling your lungs, how the air feels coming into your nose, then you exhale and notice how that is, and you repeat that a few times. Then you turn your attention to your body. You acknowledge the fear in your gut. You think, “Well, that’s natural, I don’t know what this text will say, and based on experience, I fear it will be abusive.” You extend a little tenderness to yourself, understanding you’ve been a victim and it’s natural to have fear. Then you think about what the text really is and isn’t: It’s a digital message you can do with as you see fit, it’s not a man with a club threatening your life. You recognize that you have the wherewithal to do what you need to do after reading the text.

It may amaze you how that pause, that reflection on your breathing, is actually enough to help you react completely differently to the very same stimuli than you would without practicing STOP. It really can make the difference between a freakout and a completely tolerable reaction.

Next time you’re hit with one of those nasty triggers that are part of the life of a narc’s victim, give STOP a try.

How can I cope with the narcissist I’m unable to leave?

As we discussed in the last post, the best policy is to cut out all contact with the narcissist in your life. But some victims of narcs don’t have that luxury. Maybe you absolutely don’t have the means to move out. Maybe you have moved apart but share children and are therefore required to have regular contact. Maybe you are planning to separate, but can’t do so quite yet for practical reasons.

At any rate, you are forced to live with or communicate with your narcissistic abuser. Does that mean you have to continue without any relief in enduring the nightmare of his treatment?

As hard as it is–and I know from experience how hard–there are things you can do to make life a little bit easier on you. Here are a few suggestions that may be helpful in your situation:

1. Pick your battles.

As usual, the narc will demand you comply with his desires in all things. But now that you know the score and understand what he has been doing to you, you no longer feel like cowtowing to his every whim. There are issues where you should take a stand–when what he asks causes you a great deal of pain–and there are issue where complying is merely a slight inconvenience. Don’t force issues that aren’t important and try to minimize the conflict when you can.

2.  Subtly encourage him to seek supply elsewhere.

When you were a young child (in the case of an N-parent) or first in love (in the case of an N-mate/spouse), you were trained into the role of supporting your narcissist emotionally. You were taught to give attention, care, praise, etc. Maybe this made you feel needed and important…or maybe you were afraid not to provide these things to the narc. Either way, you were an eager and cooperative source of his narcissistic supply.

If you can find any way to do so, pull back on your attentiveness. Don’t offer anything that isn’t strictly demanded of you. Meanwhile, if you see your narc getting supply elsewhere, encourage that and don’t prevent it. If you’re fortunate, you may be able to shift yourself out of his main field of attention and have a bit more freedom.

[Sidebar: I am highly uncomfortable recommending you encourage your narc’s abuse of some other poor individual. This is something to employ as a last resort for your own survival, until you are able to escape the narcissist altogether.]

3.  As much as you are able, turn your focus from the narcissist to positive things.

It’s commonplace for narcissist victims to think about their narcs constantly. We become hypervigilant, watching frantically for the next crisis to occur, imagining in advance what it might be. We ponder the injustices, nurse our wounds, inwardly lament our lot. We focus on our fear, our anger, our shame. All these emotional responses are perfectly normal and natural. To a certain extent they are even necessary survival mechanisms.

The problem is if we dwell too much on these things, they will slowly destroy us. Misery, fear, anxiety and other negative emotions evoke destructive brain chemicals and trigger physical problems all over the body. Sickness, depression, and all manner of badness follows.

You need some happiness to survive, and that means learning to enjoy the good things in life even while you endure the bad. You need to resist the temptation to “run scenarios” of future disasters, and learn to trust that if the bad comes, you can deal with it just as effectively by instinct in the moment than if you had rehearsed ahead for hours in your imagination. You need to turn from focusing solely on the narc’s demands and think about yourself, your needs, and the things you do that satisfy them. You need to learn to fully experience and appreciate the good times in your life: time spent on a hobby, a lunch with a friend, a game with your kids, even just a pretty sunrise, a tasty cookie, a smile from a clerk at the supermarket.

To achieve these things, I recommend you investigate the practice of mindfulness. There are wonderful sources all over the internet, and excellent books galore, on this approach to living life more in the moment. Mindfulness is a scientifically proven stress reducer. It helps PTSD sufferers recover. It is useful for anyone trying to find a more peaceful existence or get their rampaging negative emotions in check.

Meanwhile, I also encourage you to consider the possibility of meditation. This practice can work beautifully hand-in-hand with mindfulness to reduce stress and its negative effects on the mind and body. Even ten minutes a day can be absolutely transformative for those who feel their lives are out of control and that they are at the mercy of their emotions.

4.  Continue your research.

Keep reading online or in books about narcissists and what it’s like to be victimized by one. Knowledge is power, and the more you understand what is happening to you, the more in control you will be even if you cannot fully escape your narcissist.

5.  Keep a journal.

A secret one of course! Expressing your thoughts about what is happening to you is a good way to vent, and can also help clarify issues and suggest solutions. I pooh-poohed this idea until I tried it myself, and it was a great help to me.

6.  Make sure you have support.

I went completely alone in dealing with my narcissist ex-husband, except for relying on the love of my very young daughters. That was no way to live and it probably was a big factor in my staying with him as long as I did. Confide in a trusted friend or relative. Seek counseling. Talk to your pastor. For practical matters, consider having a lawyer involved as well.

You may learn that it’s hard to find people who understand your situation, especially if they know your narcissist too and have been (as usually happens) bamboozled by his charms and outwardly attractive appearance. Make sure your support network includes someone who really gets it and believes you….this is essential. If you can’t find anyone in your present acquaintance to fit the bill, find someone online. I heartily recommend the Narcissist group on SupportGroups.com, where I am involved at the time of this writing. There are many victims of narcissists posting there (you can read what they have to say anonymously without joining if you want), and the best thing they do is prove to fellow victims that they are not crazy, or bad, or messed up.

7.  Strive towards the ultimate goal of no contact.

I pray you will find ways to alleviate the struggle of having to interact with your narcissist. Only a fellow victim truly understands how hard it is. I also encourage you to act toward the eventual total break from this terrible person, and keep that hope before you to sustain you. The sooner that day comes, the better–and I hope it will be soon!

Copyright © Lucy Rising