If you’re hurting, nature can help

It’s the first day of my favorite month of the year, the month when nature really cranks its beauty up a notch (at least here in the Midwest of the U.S.!). The weather is great for hikes, and even looking out the window is a treat.

fallWhat does this have to do with recovery from narcissistic abuse? Well, it’s a scientific fact that being out in nature provides numerous physical and psychological benefits. A nature walk will ground you. It will speed up and ease the processing of negative emotions. It will counteract depression.

I know that when you’re feeling hurt, angry, or sad, it can really immobilize you. But I challenge you, the next time you’re struggling with these emotions, take yourself firmly by the hand and get outside. Walk in the woods, sit under a tree, visit a flower garden, go to the beach. Set aside your troubles and observe. Feel the air, touch the grass, smell the flowers and the soil, listen to the wind and the birds. See if you don’t feel better. And then remember that it worked!

pumpkinsIf the weather is cold, bundle up and play in the snow. If it’s raining, take an umbrella. If you live in an urban jungle, visit a flower shop or the floral department in your supermarket, or even look at photos of nature.

I’m not sure how this works, but for some reason any bad mood or dark hour can be eased with some time spent in the care of Mother Nature. And what better time than fall?

Help for when you’re freaking out

Everyone has times when they feel negative emotions that evade rational confrontation. By that I mean, those feelings of anxiety, fear, guilt, sadness, etc. for which you can’t pinpoint a specific cause. In other words, emotions you can’t seem to talk yourself out of.

Emotions are funny things–they can be caused by stimuli we barely notice, and without our even seeing the trigger, they can become very uncomfortable and even traumatic. That trigger might be an event that really does relate to your abuse, like a memory, a conversation, or an unpleasant experience. But it could also be something unrelated to narcissistic abuse, like lack of sleep, hormones, hunger, over-stimulation, job stress, etc.

Whatever set off the feeling, it can send you reeling emotionally in a whirl of confusion. And if you try to figure out what’s going on and can’t, you also feel lost and powerless. You want an answer, a fix for what’s bugging you, but how do you find it?

The thing is, you may not need to find it at all.

What sometimes helps far more than anything else is simply grounding yourself. Now I agree that “grounding yourself” is a term that is tossed around so vaguely that sometimes it’s meaningless. But I’m going to tell you exactly what I mean and how to do it.

bodyscanA proven way which has helped literally millions of people around the world is the Body Scan Meditation, developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn for his renowned Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction program (MBSR). This exercise has been used to relieve everything from panic attacks to chronic pain.

Simply put, in the Body Scan, you relax in a quiet, safe space, and systematically put your attention in all the areas of your body, observing what is going on without judgment or resistance. In the process, your attention is drawn to the present time and place and away from imagined concerns. You get out of your own head, literally. You feel physically more in control, and you observe how your body is doing okay and not actually threatened.

Whether you perform a full half-hour Body Scan in a private room, or even a three-minute one while in a public place, the results can be amazing. You can start by trying a guided Body Scan–try the 11-minute one provided in the Lucy Rising Program HERE. Full instructions are provided on the page. Once you’ve done the scan a few times, you will have it in your arsenal to do anytime you need it, even on your own.

If you’ve had good results with doing the Body Scan Mediation, please share in the comments!

Is there anything I can do to reduce the freaking out caused by my narcissist?

One thing about life with a narcissist, or life when recovering from a narcissist…it’s subject to freakouts.

There are a many different sorts of experiences that can trigger a freakout. No doubt some of these examples will strike you as familiar:

  • sudden, unexpected explosive behavior by the narcissist
  • a shocking realization or discovery of something terrible the narc has done
  • seeing a text, email or caller ID indicating the narc is trying to contact you
  • a reminder or memory of an encounter or experience with the narc, positive or negative
  • your own mind suggesting you are in trouble, in danger, or about to be mistreated by the narc

Meanwhile, there are all kinds of freakouts that can strike you, including, but sadly not limited to:

  • bouts of dizzying confusion
  • waves of crippling terror
  • the grip of anxiety seizing your stomach
  • sinking guilt
  • shame that makes you want to hide in a closet
  • mind-numbing grief and hopelessness

I call these things “freakouts” because they come upon you without warning, blindsiding you and knocking you down before you even have a chance to put up any defenses. You barely recognize what’s happening before you are already in the grip of terrible emotions, losing control and powerless to fight.

Or are you really totally powerless?

It may seem that way, when the emotions are upon you. But there is a tool you can try, to take back some of the power. It’s a little exercise called STOP. It’s a technique associated with the scientifically-proven Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction program.

Here’s what you do:

STOP — Pause your thinking, and whatever you’re doing, for just a second.

TAKE a few deep breaths — Before you resume anything, breathe. Don’t think about what’s happening to you, or how you’re feeling, or what you’re thinking. Those things can wait the few seconds that this step will take. Focus only on your breathing and how it feels.

OBSERVE what is happening — Now you can ask yourself, what exactly are you feeling and thinking? Give it a name: fear, guilt, confusion, anger, panic, whatever it is. Don’t try to force it away, don’t judge it, just look at it with gentle curiosity so you can identify it.

PROCEED — Carry on with the moment.

You’ll be surprised how often doing this enables you to create a space, a break in the cycle between thoughts and feelings. How does that cycle work?

1-Trigger occurs –> 2-Painful emotional response –> 3-Negative thoughts –> 4-Thoughts create a negative narrative –> 5-You believe that narrative –> 1-The narrative triggers another emotional response –> etc.

But the STOP exercise breaks the chain between steps 2 and 3. And in doing so, it keeps the pain from escalating into a freakout. It can even create enough of a wedge that the pain is diminished, especially if you insert more positive thinking at step 3.

For example:  You see a text has come through on your phone from your narc. Your instantaneous response is to feel a wave of panic and dread fill your belly. Without STOP, the next step will likely be something like you think, “Oh god–he’s going to yell at me, he’s going to make me cry, what did I do? Why can’t he just leave me alone, I can’t take this, it’s going to kill me!” You listen to yourself create a scene in which he’s mean, you cry, you feel helpless, you have a breakdown. Looking at that scene upsets you even more. By the time you look at the text, you are in full freakout mode and it doesn’t even matter what the text turns out to be.

With STOP, you feel the wave of panic and dread. You pause, take a deep breath, and think about how that breath feels filling your lungs, how the air feels coming into your nose, then you exhale and notice how that is, and you repeat that a few times. Then you turn your attention to your body. You acknowledge the fear in your gut. You think, “Well, that’s natural, I don’t know what this text will say, and based on experience, I fear it will be abusive.” You extend a little tenderness to yourself, understanding you’ve been a victim and it’s natural to have fear. Then you think about what the text really is and isn’t: It’s a digital message you can do with as you see fit, it’s not a man with a club threatening your life. You recognize that you have the wherewithal to do what you need to do after reading the text.

It may amaze you how that pause, that reflection on your breathing, is actually enough to help you react completely differently to the very same stimuli than you would without practicing STOP. It really can make the difference between a freakout and a completely tolerable reaction.

Next time you’re hit with one of those nasty triggers that are part of the life of a narc’s victim, give STOP a try.

How can I reduce the pain my narcissist is causing me?

Whether you are still with your narc, have broken away but still have contact, or have successfully gone no contact, chances are you’re still experiencing pain from the relationship.

There are reminders of the happy marriage, family, or childhood you wish you could have had, but now know will never be yours. There is guilt over what you feel you should have done. There is hurt from whatever punishment your narc is inflicting on you today, and anxiety about what he may do tomorrow. There is loneliness if no one seems to understand…and even loneliness for the parent or partner you convinced yourself you had in spite of his or her cruelties.

It’s natural and normal to experience all these things, and you should never feel ashamed or guilty for your suffering. Remember, you are the victim and never chose a life that included such pain. You also shouldn’t stifle natural emotions…that will lead to other problems like PTSD. It’s important to recognize what you’re feeling, give it a name, and acknowledge it.

However, you don’t have to let suffering be your master or define who you are.

Here is a very important principle that I completely believe in:

That which you pay attention to grows.

If your narc does something cruel, and you focus on it the rest of the day, it will dominate your thoughts and feelings. If you let yourself feel the sting, acknowledge that it is normal and understandable, then let it go and focus on something positive, you can make that cruelty smaller.

If you spend all day Facebook stalking your ex, fueling your anger and resentment, you will have a day full of anger and resentment. If you block him or unfriend him, and instead use the time to pamper yourself, enjoy a good book, spend some time helping a friend, or some other positive activity, you will have a day that includes some happiness.

Of course it’s important to keep in mind always that you are the victim of a narcissist, and are dealing with the issues that come with that. It can be very helpful to talk about those issues with nurturing people, or to read about them, or to do some journaling about your feelings. But it’s even more important to start changing your identity from “the victim of my narc” to “ME.” Rekindle old interests, take up a new hobby that has always appealed to you, spend quality time with loved ones, make plans for your new future.

Put your attention on yourself, who you are, what you enjoy, whom you love. Make those things as big as you can, for you have a lot of control over how big they are. Your focus and attention is a wonderful tool, and now is the time to start using them to make your life easier.

What will help me to restore the person I was before my narcissist got me?

As we discussed in the last post, victims of narcissists typically find themselves stuck in the state of mind their narcs have fashioned for them. Most suffer from poor self-esteem and a sense that they are unlovable. Most are afraid to rock the boat and risk the consequences of fighting back. Those who do undertake to separate themselves feel guilty, or like failures, or inexplicably like they won’t be happy until they are back with their narcissist. Even if they are free physically, many still obsess on what their narc is doing without them, or ways they could have saved their narc, or whether they will ever be able to recover from the post traumatic stress they are suffering.

Needless to say, all this can feel like too much to bear.

In any situation of conflict with another person, you have no control over what they do and feel, only what you do and feel. But in cases of the torment that plagues victims of narcissists, the sad and scary part is that they can feel like they have no control over what they themselves do and feel! It may seem like there is no good answer for this, at least in the short run.

But I do have one suggestion, which I base upon many scientific studies as well as personal experience. I recommend meditation. I understand the reaction that meditation is some New Age-y hocus pocus only for Buddhists and flower children, but before you reject it out of hand, consider these results of scientific studies:

 

  • 10 minutes a day of simple meditation, even by a novice, reduces stress and anxiety
  • This amount of meditation can repair damage to the nervous system caused by stress
  • Meditation increases brain activity that demonstrates positive thoughts and emotions, and reduces brain activity that demonstrates negativity
  • Meditation can lower blood pressure and boost the immune system
  • It boosts the brain’s abilities to regulate emotions and increases focus

This is a very short list of ways science has shown that meditation helps. I can’t think of anyone more in need of this kind of help than we victims of narcissists!

Please know that meditation is not, at least not necessarily, a religious activity, and no particular viewpoint of God or the soul is required. It works for atheists, born-again Christians, and yes, Buddhists alike.

Meditation comes in many varieties and styles but the essentials make for a very short list:

  1. In a quiet, private place, sit comfortably with your eyes closed.
  2. Breathe deeply and a bit slowly, and relax.
  3. Start focusing on your breath, on the feeling of it as it happens. Or, instead focus on a mantra (a word or short group of words). Or, listen to the directions of a guided meditation.
  4. Think only about what you are focusing on: the breath or your mantra. Clear your mind of everything else.
  5. If your mind drifts to physical sensations, feelings, or thoughts (and it will!), don’t worry or judge, just once again gently return to your focus.
  6. Continue to do this for the time you have chosen. Then open your eyes, stretch, let yourself come back to the world surrounding you.

That’s all there is to it, really. Ten minutes a day will make a difference, a real difference. It doesn’t seem logical…you’d like there would be some sort of trying, some work involved on your part, but there isn’t. Your mind does the repair work for you, all you need to do is the list above.

There are countless great sources online for more about the process, experience, and results of meditating, as well as many wonderful guided meditations (recordings you listen to). For a really simple, easy, great guided meditation to start, I recommend Tara Brach’s “Gateway to Presence” which you can find on this page. Deepak Chopra’s works are also wonderful in my opinion.

Victims of narcissists need to fight on many fronts to restore their lives to happiness: psychological, practical, emotional, legal, and social. This is just another tool in our arsenal to support and strengthen all our other efforts. In my own life, meditation and mindfulness (focusing on the here and now) made all the difference in my freeing myself of guilt, fear and anxiety when I broke with my narcissist father. I encourage you to try just a week, ten minutes a day, to see if it makes a difference for you.

Even after breaking from a narcissist, we find that in so many ways he continues to abuse us through our own minds. Getting him out of your head is harder than any other part of the fight. Meditation might be the weapon you need to start to make progress with that. I truly hope it helps!

How can I cope with the narcissist I’m unable to leave?

As we discussed in the last post, the best policy is to cut out all contact with the narcissist in your life. But some victims of narcs don’t have that luxury. Maybe you absolutely don’t have the means to move out. Maybe you have moved apart but share children and are therefore required to have regular contact. Maybe you are planning to separate, but can’t do so quite yet for practical reasons.

At any rate, you are forced to live with or communicate with your narcissistic abuser. Does that mean you have to continue without any relief in enduring the nightmare of his treatment?

As hard as it is–and I know from experience how hard–there are things you can do to make life a little bit easier on you. Here are a few suggestions that may be helpful in your situation:

1. Pick your battles.

As usual, the narc will demand you comply with his desires in all things. But now that you know the score and understand what he has been doing to you, you no longer feel like cowtowing to his every whim. There are issues where you should take a stand–when what he asks causes you a great deal of pain–and there are issue where complying is merely a slight inconvenience. Don’t force issues that aren’t important and try to minimize the conflict when you can.

2.  Subtly encourage him to seek supply elsewhere.

When you were a young child (in the case of an N-parent) or first in love (in the case of an N-mate/spouse), you were trained into the role of supporting your narcissist emotionally. You were taught to give attention, care, praise, etc. Maybe this made you feel needed and important…or maybe you were afraid not to provide these things to the narc. Either way, you were an eager and cooperative source of his narcissistic supply.

If you can find any way to do so, pull back on your attentiveness. Don’t offer anything that isn’t strictly demanded of you. Meanwhile, if you see your narc getting supply elsewhere, encourage that and don’t prevent it. If you’re fortunate, you may be able to shift yourself out of his main field of attention and have a bit more freedom.

[Sidebar: I am highly uncomfortable recommending you encourage your narc’s abuse of some other poor individual. This is something to employ as a last resort for your own survival, until you are able to escape the narcissist altogether.]

3.  As much as you are able, turn your focus from the narcissist to positive things.

It’s commonplace for narcissist victims to think about their narcs constantly. We become hypervigilant, watching frantically for the next crisis to occur, imagining in advance what it might be. We ponder the injustices, nurse our wounds, inwardly lament our lot. We focus on our fear, our anger, our shame. All these emotional responses are perfectly normal and natural. To a certain extent they are even necessary survival mechanisms.

The problem is if we dwell too much on these things, they will slowly destroy us. Misery, fear, anxiety and other negative emotions evoke destructive brain chemicals and trigger physical problems all over the body. Sickness, depression, and all manner of badness follows.

You need some happiness to survive, and that means learning to enjoy the good things in life even while you endure the bad. You need to resist the temptation to “run scenarios” of future disasters, and learn to trust that if the bad comes, you can deal with it just as effectively by instinct in the moment than if you had rehearsed ahead for hours in your imagination. You need to turn from focusing solely on the narc’s demands and think about yourself, your needs, and the things you do that satisfy them. You need to learn to fully experience and appreciate the good times in your life: time spent on a hobby, a lunch with a friend, a game with your kids, even just a pretty sunrise, a tasty cookie, a smile from a clerk at the supermarket.

To achieve these things, I recommend you investigate the practice of mindfulness. There are wonderful sources all over the internet, and excellent books galore, on this approach to living life more in the moment. Mindfulness is a scientifically proven stress reducer. It helps PTSD sufferers recover. It is useful for anyone trying to find a more peaceful existence or get their rampaging negative emotions in check.

Meanwhile, I also encourage you to consider the possibility of meditation. This practice can work beautifully hand-in-hand with mindfulness to reduce stress and its negative effects on the mind and body. Even ten minutes a day can be absolutely transformative for those who feel their lives are out of control and that they are at the mercy of their emotions.

4.  Continue your research.

Keep reading online or in books about narcissists and what it’s like to be victimized by one. Knowledge is power, and the more you understand what is happening to you, the more in control you will be even if you cannot fully escape your narcissist.

5.  Keep a journal.

A secret one of course! Expressing your thoughts about what is happening to you is a good way to vent, and can also help clarify issues and suggest solutions. I pooh-poohed this idea until I tried it myself, and it was a great help to me.

6.  Make sure you have support.

I went completely alone in dealing with my narcissist ex-husband, except for relying on the love of my very young daughters. That was no way to live and it probably was a big factor in my staying with him as long as I did. Confide in a trusted friend or relative. Seek counseling. Talk to your pastor. For practical matters, consider having a lawyer involved as well.

You may learn that it’s hard to find people who understand your situation, especially if they know your narcissist too and have been (as usually happens) bamboozled by his charms and outwardly attractive appearance. Make sure your support network includes someone who really gets it and believes you….this is essential. If you can’t find anyone in your present acquaintance to fit the bill, find someone online. I heartily recommend the Narcissist group on SupportGroups.com, where I am involved at the time of this writing. There are many victims of narcissists posting there (you can read what they have to say anonymously without joining if you want), and the best thing they do is prove to fellow victims that they are not crazy, or bad, or messed up.

7.  Strive towards the ultimate goal of no contact.

I pray you will find ways to alleviate the struggle of having to interact with your narcissist. Only a fellow victim truly understands how hard it is. I also encourage you to act toward the eventual total break from this terrible person, and keep that hope before you to sustain you. The sooner that day comes, the better–and I hope it will be soon!

Are there any exercises that would help me make sense of the confusion my narcissist causes me?

Any victim of a narcissist has experienced lots of confusion. First, there’s the fact that as a normal person you cannot fathom the way the narcissist’s mind works, so you’re frequently surprised or even shocked by his behavior. Second, there’s the fact that in order to stay in control, narcs often lie and do all they can to convince their victims to believe in the alternate, fictitious reality that suits their purposes. Third, the narcissist loves confusing you just for its own sake–it’s a rush to see your head spin, your conviction crumble, and your emotions go into turmoil.

You can fight your way out of this confusion, but it will take effort and time. I’d like to give you a few suggestions to encourage this process.

Hold Court

In my case, the first exercise I found really helpful was to do all I could to prove to myself my father and ex-husband truly had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I literally copied off the web several lists of traits of narcissists and wrote specific examples from my experience that showed these guys had NPD. Whenever I felt guilt, shame, fear, or loss of resolve, I reread the “rap sheet” to remind myself through concrete example that I had been the victim of messed-up people who had wanted nothing except to use me.

I found the lists on this website particularly helpful in my case. Search the internet for lists that hit home to you and your particular situation. Do as I did (I do recommend actually writing it down for later reference) and hold a little trial for your narcissist, making the case to yourself and proving a conviction. Every time you feel yourself schwaffling, reread your trial transcript. Add more examples if it helps you. And remember, just because you can think of times when the narc seemed to care or did something nice doesn’t get him off the hook. Any criminal “does things right” when it serves his purpose. But innocent people don’t make a lifestyle out of cruel behavior like your narc did/does.

Let Your Feelings Out

 

Victims of narcissists spend their lives appeasing the one they serve. More often than not, that includes stifling the normal human response to abuse. A classic example from my life is when my then-husband confessed an affair he’d been having just as it was falling apart. He was in despair over losing this love interest and actually told me about it just so he could get sympathy and understanding. Believe it or not (maybe you do!), I buried my feelings of betrayal and despair and devoted myself to listening to his sob story and comforting him! Classic Stockholm Syndrome at work there.

I have no doubt that you can look back on your relationship with your narc and find plenty of occasions when your needs and feelings went unnoticed and it was all about the narcissist. You may well have not even taken particular notice that this was happening. Well, it’s time to look back on those times and let yourself feel and express what you should have been able to experience then. It’s time to let it be about YOU. Imagine or write down how you would have reacted had you not been in thrall to the narc. The more you do this, the clearly it will become to you what a warped, unfair, lopsided relationship you had, and how much you suffered at the hands of your narcissist. It won’t be long before you start losing the feelings of guilt and fear that plague you now. Reality will have its way!

Mindfulness

If you’re like me, your narcissist’s-victim-training included indoctrination into a world of fear. Now that you are daring to consider rebelling against the will of your narc, naturally your emotional response is terror, panic and terrible anxiety. No matter what logic you apply to the situation to convince yourself you are not in danger, these emotions will assault you. I found myself not only terrified, but also hyper-vigilant. I couldn’t help but run scenarios in my head all day and night of what might happen. My father would call me up in the middle of the night to yell at me. Or kill my pets, or burn down my house. All these imagined torments filled me with as much fear as if they were really happening.

One of the best ways to deal with imagined horrors in any circumstance is mindfulness. Mindfulness brings your attention back to what is really happening to you and around you, rather than what is happening in your imagination as you fret and worry. It breaks the cycle of your fear causing you to envision frightening things, which in turn maintain your fear. It can be as simple as switching your attention to the sensations around you right now, such as how your clothes feel, what you are smelling, and the objects you see in the room. The whole point is to get out of your head and into reality, where at the moment you are perfectly safe.

This webpage has an excellent explanation of how anxiety works, as well as a simple introduction to meditation to alleviate it. Meditation simply involves focusing on your breathing in order to direct your thoughts away from the imagined terrors. Meditation and mindfulness were key elements to my setting aside the crippling fear that came along with splitting with my narcissist.

What these three exercises have in common is helping you to escape the world the narcissist has trained you to believe in, and reconnect with the real world, your true feelings, and your actual circumstances. Working on these things will not only break the narc’s power over you but start you down the path to emotional recovery and a much happier life.

Copyright © Lucy Rising